indifference

First i asked everything in my apartment if it cared that i was drunk; my closet, my kitchen, my tv. No response. then i threw up. no one cared. while i was throwing up i ---- -- ------ a little. still nothing. then i danced around a little with no pants on, just for good measure. then, just to be sure, i bent over and showed my bare ass to anyone in my empty apartment who cared. cry sweet freedom

Thank You

a big thank you to everyone who sent well wishes to me after my fucking house burnt down. Special thanks to Lea, Kat, Jesse, Sara, Lynne, and Stefan for personally making the most traumatic time of my life not so bad. Seriously, you guys made it so i can laugh about the whole thing. The bbq smell has mellowed into a more complex beef-jerky aroma, and i am slowly washing everything i managed to salvage (which isn't much). Believe it or not the Red Cross has been a big help. They gave my sister hotel vouchers (i didn't need them), they also gave us both $300 debit cards to replace clothes and buy groceries. They will also help replace beds, and even help with a deposit for a new place. In hindsight i can say that FIRE IS FUCKING SCARY and ALWAYS GET RENTERS INSURANCE.

My house burned down

so my house burned down tonight. not to the ground, but it aint pretty. I can't live there anymore. call me and tell me you love me. 503-515-1789

OOT

one other thing it's funny the tricks your memory plays on you. for example; i always thought slash played guitar on Michael Jackson's "dirty diana". i swear i even have vivid memories of Slash in the video, tophat and belt, along side michael jackson. apparently i am completely delusional. I downloaded the video and googled the song. Not only did Slash not appear in the video, he did not even play in the song. He did, however, play on two other MJ songs. He was also quoted in a special about MJ as saying that the song he wished he had played on was ......"dirty diana". I agree.

It takes two

It takes two to make a thing go right It takes two to make it outta sight Hit it! I wanna rock right now I'm Rob Base and I came to get down I'm not internationally known But I'm known to rock the microphone Because I get stoopid, I mean outrageous Stay away from me if you're contagious 'Cause I'm the winner, no, I'm not the loser To be an M.C. is what I choose 'a Ladies love me, girls adore me I mean even the ones who never saw me Like the way that I rhyme at a show The reason why, man, I don't know So let's go, 'cause It takes two to make a thing go right It takes two to make it outta sight Hit it! My name is Rob, I gotta real funky concept Listen up, 'cause I'm gonna keep you in step I got an idea That I wanna share You don't like it? So what, I don't care I'm number one, the uno, I like comp Bring all the suckers 'cause all them I'll stomp Bold and black but I won't protect All of my followers 'cause all I want is respect I'm not a doctor, put them in rapture A slick brother that can easy outfox ya Cause I'm Rob, the last name Base, yeah And on the mike, I'm known to be the freshest So let's start, it shouldn't be too hard I'm not a sucker so I don't need a bodyguard I won't fess, wear a bulletproof vest Don't smoke buddha, can't stand sess, yes It takes two to make a thing go right It takes two to make it outta sight Hit it! The situation that the Base is in I'm kinda stingy that's why I don't wanna lend A funky rhyme to a foe or a good friend But listen up 'cause I want you to comprehend 'Cause I'm the leader, the man superior I take care of ya and then ya get wearier So just sit, my rhymes arenot counterfeit The record sells which makes this one a hit It won't hurt to listen to Red Alert Take off your shirt Make sure it don't hit the dirt I like the kids--the guys, the girls I want the ducats 'cause this is Rob Base's world I'm on a mission, ya better just listen To my rhymes 'cause I'm all about dissin' 'Cause It takes two to make a thing go right It takes two to make it outta sight Hit it! I stand alone, don't need anyone 'Cause I'm Rob, just came ot have fun Don't need friends that act like foes 'Cause I'm Rob Base, the one who knows About things that make ya get weary Don't cheer me, just hear me Out 'cause I got the clout--shout (Ho!) Before I turn the party out I won't stutter-- Project my voice, speak clearly So you can be my choice On stage or on record Go to the Wiz and select it Take it off the rack, if it's wack put it back I like the Whopper, fuck the Big Mac If you want static, so let's go So, throw upyour hands Go for what you know Bro', I got an ego Yo, talkin' to me? No Oh 'Cause Rob is in the front, EZ Rock is on the Back up We're not soft, soyou better just slack up 'Cause I'm cool, calm just like a breeze Rock the mike with the help of EZ Rock on the set, the music plays Only cuts the records that I say It takes two to make a thing go right It takes two to make it outta sight Hit it! All right, now, EZ Rock now, when I count to three I want you ot get busy You ready now? One, two, three, get loose now! It takes two to make a thing go right It takes two to make it outta sight Hit it!

dilemma

so i have been temping at the doubletree as a prep cook. I'm very in to cooking as some of you know and i have been working in restaurants for 11 years. Usually i am a front of the house employee, serving, bussing, etc. I just got a job at the Red Star doing catering which will be a substantial difference in pay (i'm only making like 9 dollars an hour at the doubletree. The problem is they asked me to stay on at the doubletree and do banquet prep, where i may actually get to cook some stuff (I just do a lot of knife work right now). For the first time in a long time i am actually excited to go to work. I really want to keep learning to cook, maybe be on a line eventually.

My Iration

is that a word? oh well. I rarely get up in arms about an issue. I don't like when men call women bitches, i don't like when people make fun of other people, and i fucking hate creationists. I swear to god they have got to be the most ignorant, deluded people on the planet. Let me preface this rant by saying i respect very deeply the right of all persons to believe exactly as they choose and to teach their children accordingly, (hough i also think children should have some sort of right to a broad range of opinions and theories and be able to make their own minds up. I also think it was a minor victory for free speech that intelligent design won the right to be taught alongside evolution in schools, since a great enough portion of the population believe it strongly enough. That said i think that these intelligent design fucks are all a big fucking bunch of ostriches that would rather stick their heads in the sand then trust themselves to correctly interpret that book that they run their lives by. Make no mistake, i am a religious person (we won't get into which one right now), however, i can't believe that these people would buy into a theory so inherently flawed as creationism in the interest of taking every word of the bible as blind law. If you really need god to be that infallible that you would take what has been so corrupted and polluted by the hands of man and is obviously largely metaphor, parable, and allegory, to be a literal telling of the story of ENTIRE universe, then you have missed the entire point. (My kingdom is in you?!). The lack of faith in the individual is not what i find so incredibly insulting about creationism, though. It is the blind disregard for something i hold so dear; science. I think that the scientific pursuits are some of the loftiest of men and are going to bring us into the most exciting frontiers we can imagine. I also fail to see how one can not appreciate a truly elegant solution. WHY IS THE IDEA OF EVOLUTION SO HARD TO RESOLVE WITH THE EXISTENCE OF GOD? In my mind i give much more credit to a higher power who would come up with something so ingenious as darwinism than one who just shit us out in seven days just as we are now, will be, and always have been. Gimme a break, talk about stagnant. And lastly, if you freakin think about it, Genesis is not entirely unresolveable from a darwinist perspective. "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth"- well yah, he pretty much did. "Then he created the seas and the land to divide them"- check. "Then he created the stars"- still with ya."Then he created man and the beasts" this in no way contradicts an evolutionary basis. Anyways, i gotta go to class. thanks for listening.

food poisoning

i have pinpointed the source of my troubles. Lynn and i went to stanfords last night with the fockers. I had a caesar salad. I have food poisoning. i felt like shit and threw up, then i felt better and i was all "damn i'm hungry". so i ate. now i'm sick again. fuck.

hey nonny nonny

so i had fun monday. it was great. I really like the guy. I think he likes me but i'm not sure. He used to like me. He liked me alot. i liked him alot too. At first i was just really hot for him and thought he was cool, but then i found out he's a really good guy underneath too. Oh i'm so in like. I am doing fine in school and i really need to get another job. thats all i have to say. maybe see y'all tomorrow night at the bizar.

oh yeah

late night, bloody mary. Conversations about food and metal. restless at 10 am, worked out in my favor. Oh yeah.

oh dear god

i dont' remember how i got home last night. i don't remember where i hung out after the bar closed. I slept all day because i was still drunk from last night. i really need to lay off the sauce.

the moment i'd give anything to relive

t's not like you would think. i know this question is asked in many fables and jokes and my answer is quite unique. i think i was in third grade at youngson grade school here in portland. the local hs band was performing(cleveland,i think), and the cafeteria was so crowded that i got to sit on the wall all introspective-like. they played "she blinded me with science". at age 7 it gave me chills. it set music on fire for me. i sware to god on all that i love i'd give anything to have that afternoon back

Nugget

so from time to time i like to bring to light the little nuggets of visual arts perfection which definitely do not abound in our pop culture world. One i have spoken about before, but i will refresh your memory. "Body Double" -a lameass eighties movie, only notable because a young melanie griffith plays a porn star (Holly Body-hence the cheesy name), and for one other interesting tidbit , which i consider a "nugget". The main character is an actor in LA who gets tangled up in a murder and decides to play detective. To this end, he agrees to perform in a porn (apparently anyone can get in) to get close to Holly Body. As filming begins he enters a building decorated in a Rave like fashion and is led around to Relax playing loudly in the soundtrack. As he gets to the rather large room where he will perform (for a rather large audience) they pan around and show FUCKING FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD actually playing the song music video style for the movie. I sware to god it made the whole fucking movie worth it. "Cold Hearted Snake"-yes i am talking about the Paula Abdul video. While we all know her musical talents are laughable, the video also features her doing what she is actually trained for- dancing. Her and a small cast perform a verbatim rendition of a number called "take off with me" which is actually from the musical "all that jazz" by tortured and celebrated coreographer Bob Fosse. That particular movie tied with apocolypse now in 1979 for the canne festival grand prize. The coreography itself is quite suggestive in a very cool, non rap video way, and the modern costumes and almost not lame song make it a very fucking cool video that still gives me chills. You gotta admit she's a kickass dancer. PS christina aguilera's video "what a girl wants" and "thriller" also featured moves, but not col like this.

um, yeah

maybe it's the pms. maybe it's the booze. last night was a doozy. in addition to calling the boy i like and telling him i want to be his girlfriend, i also almost lost my bike. thank god for my sister. not only do i not remember the events she's telling me, i can't fathom for the life of me what i was thinking. and i got lost somewhere deep in southeast portland. i was just trying to walk home. oh and i have a hickey

the end of the world

So i went out to eat tonight (i like to eat out alot (hehe)). As i was leaving i felt some shit in my tooth, my back molar on top at the gumline, and i proceeded to try and pick it out. I didn't find anything, so i assumed i got it out with my tongue. I walked a little more and i felt it again. So i stuck my damn finger back there and what do i find but A BIG FUCKING HOLE IN MY TOOTH!!! When i got to a mirror i inspected it and there was indeed some sort of crevice, but when i got home i looked at it with a flash light and it is an honest to goodness real live HOLE. I am so devistated. I am already a little cranky cause of some letters of the alphabet and this has about sent me into the pit of a midlife crisis. This is something that happens to tweakers and people who don't bathe. I bathe.

On Strike

I am so fed up with certain situations that are in no way under my control or by my hand but are still plagueing my life to the point of keeping me up at night seething in my anger. For this reason i am on strike. I refused to go to school today, and will not be leaving my room (while in my house, I'm on strike, not a hermit) I will be taking no calls (unless i really like you), performing no chores or favors, and basically doing nothing normally required of me as earning my keep for the wonderous gift of my existence. I just want the universe to remember that it needs me (read "us") as much as i need it. It can't just ask me to be it's errand girl and then shit all over me. It's a temporary, one day strike, not an unlimited thing. I still care. I just want to remind god that i don't have to play along. Playing with god is dangerous business, i'm sure, so let's hope i don't wind up struck down by a bolt of lightening. Here's gamblin!

I drank you

no seriously, you cant be reading this right now, because i drank you. Along with the rest of the world. I am so fucking hung it's ridiculous. This is the worst hangover i have had since my birthday. I was so drunk i had to have my friend do my drunk dialing for me. We drunk dialed the boy i like, which is ok because he thought it was really funny. I guess thats good. When i was with martin i would drunk dial him and break up with him, like, every other weekend. Thankfully i didn't say anything ridiculous. btw food network rules. Just an observation, the blog editor lists all these moods to choose from and one of them is drunk, but there is no hungover. interesting.

My pee smells like jeager

not really but i got your attention. I did drink some jaeger though. I stayed up really late last night and woke up in a strange house. Well it wasn't really strange, it was a friends party. I got really drunk and gave relationship advice into the wee hours. Friday night was better, though (right lynn). I have the worst hangover since my birthday. All in all not a bad weekend: I got to hang out with the boy i like, got my picture taken by chris ho photo, ate some thai food, threw up (twice), and slept in my clothes. I'm glad the weekend is only 2 days long. I really have to cut back on my smoking. God Grease is a good movie. You better shape up, cause i need a man, and my heart is set on you. Oh and i bought a Kirby!!!!

John the baptist's father

was told by his wife that an angel would grant them a baby after years of being barren. He didn't believe it. Because of this he was struck dumb for the duration of her pregnancy and did not speak again till John was born. I think it's important to be cautious when wishing on a star. Dreaming is vital, but you really gotta keep your feet on the ground. That's what i think. What about something you know is going to happen; something which you don't deserve, something which is a gift? What if you are still cautious in your enthusiasm, reserved in your faith? Is that wrong? Is it an insult to the power that be to question their wisdom? I have a problem. I think i'm smarter than everyone. For this reason, i can't seem to believe that the universe can still manage to surprise or outwit me. Does that sin have a name? It's not pride is it? Anyway. I have been struck dumb by god for something i refused to believe. I guess i'll get my voice back when the metaphorical baby is born. On other planes, i am in math 344, which is group theory. It is quite difficult already. I can't explain exactly what it is about because if you are into math you already know and if you're not you wouldn't get it. I am going to have a hard time for a bit because I was never taught how to write proofs. The teacher is real mellow, and he is aware that alot of us have never written proofs before so he is trying to teach us. I am also studying on my own. It's not that i don't understand the concept: you prove a complicated idea by linking it back to a simpler idea through a series of accepted axioms. The thing i'm having trouble with is the base. How far down do you have to prove it? what is considered accepted. As a math major i HAVE to learn it, and i'm sure i will. I'm just kinda scared now. I worked out tonight. I rode my bike to psu and then did a circuit, then rode my bike home. Iwonder if my legs will burn as hard tomorrow as last week. I went to the Italian Joint today. It is a restaurant on hawthorne that i discovered with lynn a while back. They were part of the group of restaurants donating 5% of their sales today to katrina relief. I had a seafood ravioli. So i used to be a lifeguard and swim instructor. i was also on swim team as a youth. i also had an in ground pool growing up. Sufficeit (sp?) to say i was a good swimmer. I have been swimming a couple times recently but not seriously. I did some laps last night and discovered that i have lost my mouth/nose control. It's something i've always done so i took it for granted that everyone could do it; that it was no great skill. What i am speaking of is the coordination and muscle control required to switch from breathing through your nose (which you do while face down) to breathing through your mouth (which you do above the water) while pulling your head up. The reason this is so difficult is you only have a limited time to get a lung full through your mouth and you cant pull your head too far out of the water. your nose, then, is still susceptible to a little h2o inhale unless you can exercise a specific muscle on command. The result is you get water up your nose and not enough oxygen to finish your next set. I was starting to remember how to do it by the end of the workout, but i need a lot more practice. Time to go learn some more about proofs.

I'm so hot for him

i'm so hot for him i'm so hot for him He's so COLD but on the upside MY SISTER IS MOVING OUT!!!! not till february but still. And it's not even on bad terms, she's moving in with her boyfriend. THANK FUCKING GOD. That's all i have to say.

My ass hurts

Last night i worked out. i worked all day, rode my bike to the rec center, and then worked out. Like i said, i did a circuit workout which includes stretching, some movement-weight exercises, and some cardio, doled out in 5 minute increments. at the end i did weights on my problem areas; my thighs, ass, and stomach. Then i rode my bike home. The good news is the shower i took right after the workout almost made the whole thing worth it. I don't know why but it was honestly almost enough of a reward for it all. I forgot to do the sauna, next time i guess. Anyway, the today my ass and thighs hurt so bad i can hardly stand up and sit down. I couldn't ride my bike to school today, and i ride all the time. I was gonna swim today, but i'm not even sure i'll make it tomorrow. Maybe i need to start a little slower. Right now i'm watching my fair brady. I think adrian is kinda cool actually. Nice mouth on her though. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow by logan, i'm really excited. I'll be parading it for yall tomorrow at the Jolly and then the Hut. See yall then!!

I'm so full of ideas.

ast night i spent a good part of the evening researching gardening. At the end of a session i had a page of notes including a plan for a box (4x8), some vegetable selections, and a timeline of how i will begin. I want to begin composting as well. I only have two things standing in my way: I want to get started soon so i have time to work with the soil before i plant in spring, and i cant make up my mind about the composting. Maybe I'll look into outsorcing that aspect. The box should only cost me about 30.00 to build and there is always soil on the free page of craig's list. I'll be using a very popular but relatively new method called the square foot method. I won't go into details but it apparently has revolutionized home gardening. I've already got a lot of my seeds although i need to invest in some more herbs and a few other veggies. I'm excited. I also joined a "gym". It's called the rec center at psu. It is amazing what i can do there. For 90 bucks i have a locker and towels (and clothing) for the whole school year. This also allows me access to the pool, circuit and weight rooms, all the courts, and even the sauna. I looked up circuit training online and wrote a pretty good plan for a workout i wanna try tomorrow after i get off work. I am really determined to finish getting in shape. The bike thing is a good start, but i'm only gonna be young a bit longer, why not maximize it. Any thoughts would be nice.

I am the eggman

I am the walrus. koo koo ka choo. What the hell does that mean anyway. I have always ascribed my own meaning to the term walrus in this context. It is sort of a mental picture, not so much a definition. Is it a walrus and carpenter reference? I apologize if i have not properly studied my beatles (or even read the lyrics). I am ashamed. So does anyone remember in Chasing amy where Banky draws the picture of the hundred dollar bill on the street and surrounds it with the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, the sweet sexy lipstic lesbian, and the man hating dyke? Well he asks ben affleck to figure out which one will get to the money first, and the answer of course is the man hating dyke. Why? because the other three are a figment of your fucking imagination!!! I am currently plagued with a debate about the figments vs. reality that i would like you to ponder with me (and it's not the one you think Lynn! its the other one.) How many of the ideals of personal evolution that we chase are really attainable, and how many are the proverbial easter bunny? Are we wrong for chasing them even if they are fictional? Are we chasing them for the wrong reasons? And is attainability really necessary for a decent dream? I know which i would like to believe, hell i invested the last several years of my life in dreaming the impossible dream (in various ways) due to an almost obsessive need to be a good example. If it were up to me i would have settled years ago. I'd still be a waitress, I'd have short hair, i would have never tried running and i would definitely still be getting around by bus (rather than my bike) I would be married to Jason (whom some of you had the distinct pleasure of meeting on Saturday, sorry sarah), and I would definitely not be a Junior in college with an associate degree on my way to a bachelors and possibly a masters. I don't think that would have been soooo bad, but i felt obligated to strive for more. Mostly it's because I was unsatisfied with that life, but not for the reasons you think. I think I would have gone crazy had i never proven to myself that i could do all these things, that i could be different. My mom had my brother at age 18, and she had me at age 28. I just turned 29. Another year and she had my sister, another year and she was divorced. I think the path i was on would have led me straight down the one already paved by my mother, which doesn't scare me so much. I'm kinda sorry that i'm not married yet, that i am not ready to start my career, and that it will be quite a while before i can have kids. What really scares me is the long run of that path, where my mother is now. don't get me wrong, she's a great lady but she is also an unfulfilled, unsatisfied drunk who get's up early, goes to bed early, and fills her days with dive bars and discount stores. She could have been so, so much more. She's a smart lady, hell the apple don't fall far from the tree, right? She could still go back to school, what else has she got to do, right? I tell her that all the time. Somehow i don't think it gets through. i will not end up like that. Mostly my pursuit of a loft career of the personally gratifying type is my defense against ending up like that. When my kids are grown, my husband is dead, divorced, or at the very least not hot for me anymore, i wanna be able to provide my own amusement. Otherwise i'll die of scirosis. No, the path i was on wouldn't have been a bad one, and the one i'm on now is pretty good, I think i'll keep it. All i've done so far is prove to myself i could do it. I'm not sure how much happier i am. Which brings me back to why i wrote this blog in the first place: why do we dream? I know why we dream, we dream because we have to. And no, attainability is not a requirement, sometimes its a deterrent. We never know which ones are attainable, and of course we aren't wrong for chasing those that aren't. And there is no wrong reason for dreaming. Except for one area of life. I don't know if it's just me, if it's just me and my friends, if it's just women, or if it's all terminally single people. I do know that a while ago it became wrong to dream. I don't know how, I don't know what happened, but i turned into a cynic. So did a lot of people i know, actually. It's not really fair if you ask me. If you dream that the bad boy, the one you are actually attracted to, is really a diamond in the rough, then you are a doormat. If you dream that the problem you are having with your new boyfriend is just the growing pains of two people who really like each other then you are delusional. If you dream that you might get another chance with the one that got away then you are obsessed. Why? what purpose does it serve? I don't think it has stopped anyone from dreaming, i think it has just driven us all indoors. We have turned into a group of closet dreamers, of people who hold out hope but don't dare tell our friends for fear of looking foolish. I can't be the sunny optimist, however. I fear that there really is some foundation to the icy heart syndrome. I guess the secret is to balance the optimism with cautiousness and realism. Of course that's the secret. But for my part i'm coming out of the closet. I have a dream, and it is a ridiculous one. I still think it's gonna come true and i'm not ashamed to admit it. I think i'm gonna get another chance at the one that got away (sorry, no one you guys know) and i'm not gonna screw it up this time. Won't you join me in the light?

Hangover

I really need to clean my house. the baby shower is sunday and i haven't been shopping yet. I need to make some sort of deli platter, which i could easily put together myself but i don't know if i'll have time. I'm going to work tomorrow at 2 so i don't think i'll have time to do anything tomorrow. Also, i'm afraid to go out tonight because i want to stay sober enough to work tomorrow without being hung. I made a new friend last night. nice guy. i knew him already through mutual friends but i had never talked to him before. I saw dan last night, whom i have not seen in an awful long time. Cocksucker! does he think he's to good for us? also hung out with the Djam, although he left early. Of course Schwabe was there too. mabe go out tonight. don't know.

dream a little dream

so sometimes i have these dreams that are real, honest to goodness, complete movies in my head that i watch start to finish and have fully developed stories. I just woke from one such dream. (note: some details have been embellished because i don't watch the whole movie, some parts i just "know") It's 1976 and my name is Katrina (just wait, the oddity of that fact gets better). It's the year i was born only i'm not myself. I am looking at pictures on a mantle of my family and my youth and I am not happy. I am married to my highschool sweetheart, who owns a furniture store and i have a few children. I also look at pictures of me on some sort of tv show where i am all made up and elated at the attention and i smile. Flash to 1963. It's three years before i turn 21 and three years before i got married. It's 6 years before the summer of love and 6 years before i start having children. I am at the audition for a national version of the show i had been on and i am supposed to sing something. I'm sure i am here because i am supposed to do better at the audition and change my destiny to one of fame and stardom. (djambel, you are there and i have no idea why. i don't usually dream about you, although i did hang out with you last night). 2 people before my audition they say that they are absolutely finished seeing people and everyone else should go home. I am furious. I storm out in a very loud voice and say "I missed school for this" (it is the 60's after all and i assume that was a bigger deal). As i am leaving i am aware that because of the hurricane a week before they were unable to hold auditions as long as intended and are in a crunch (the hurricane was katrina that we just had last week. i told you it was bizarre). Flash forward to a little while later: not much. I am having dinner with my parents. My father is grilling me about what i will do with my life. I am aware that i am a smart young lady with unusual potential, even for the 60's. I am also ware that the real me, me writing this now has messed up what was a decent chance at going to medical school. I tell him i think i might like to try to go to medical school. He says it the same time as i do and is silent for a minute. He says he thinks thats a great idea. The me in this story had this conversation with her father the first time around but she ends up married shortly after graduation and becomes a housewife (i'm not knocking homemaking, people). Flash forward to several years later, right before college graduation and i am in my parents kitchen having a conversation with my future husband (played by Jerry O'connel. I told you it was a fucking movie. Don't laugh, in another dream i was a man and my girlfriend was Wynona Ryder. I shit u not!) "Don't get so upset!, shouldn't you go to bed, tomorrow is your Med school interview". I am unmoved by this statement. I am aware that in the course of the last few years i have told him all about my time jump and can prove that it's real by things that i know about him. He apparently is telling me that he is not going to stay around and marry me but is in fact going to canada to avoid the draft. I tell him he doesn't get drafted anyway, he gets a college deferrment and then opens the store. "so you're telling me that because i told you what you're going to do, you're not going to do it? that's not really fair to me." i say. "it's just something i have to do Katrina. (this is the first time i am aware my name is katrina) You got to change your life, i need to change mine." My mother comes in the room and tells me to go to bed (apparently a 21 year old still gets bossed around by her parents in the 60's). She then goes and tells my sister (my real sister) to go to bed who is watching tv. She also tells Jerry to leave alone his "cousin" which is me. That part is a little weird, i know. Flash forward a few more years, probably '71 and i am a doctor, wearing a white jacket and roaming the hospital. Jerry O'connell shows up at the end of the hallway wearing his army dress uniform and carrying a suitcase. He drops the suitcase and we hug. I assume we live happily ever after. If anyone knows what this means i would appreciate an explanation. meanwhile i'll be picking it apart in my head.

My favorite things

I love to shower. there is nothing like the elation and relief that freshly washed body and hair and clean clothes can bring. It's almost like a suit of armor. I tell you, as long as my hair is stilll wet, which is a long time since i always put it up, I feel clean. And when i feel clean i feel powerful. Isn't that bizarre. Last night i was sitting around waiting to shower (my sister was in there) and i was just about reaching the end of my patience with my dirtiness. I had bathed the day before but had not washed my hair, and had sweat rather profusely while sleeping off my hangover. I felt gross. I felt sticky and itchy and phantom noseeums were attacking me. The relief was palpable. I am so fucking bored it's unreal. I drew for a couple hours yesterday, which made me feel very good. I have a shitton of art supplies but i have been kind of ignoring them because i was waiting until i could put up a studio in my garage. I felt last night was a good time to revisit my hobbies. I forgot how blissful and content i feel when i am really into a piece of work. I am not particularly gifted; i have no vision, no voice, nothing to say with my art. I am, however, an excellent visual mimic. Give me something to stare at and i will eventually produce a pretty accurate picture of it. If my limited art history serves me that is called realism. I did a self portrait for school (we had to) which i sware looks just like me. I also did this pair of jeans which i framed and gave to my mother. It was from a magazine ad, with the rest of the body cut out, just the jeans, but i thought it was cooool. One of the upsides to being artistic is i get away with giving my pieces to the parents for gifts when i am particularly broke. I don't know if they are being dutiful parents, but they always display them. No, they're not that kind of people. They wouldn't put them up if they sucked. Oh, heres a good story about my art. My parents are not paying for my education (although they have hinted at paying for grad school), but my dad does throw down cash here and there when i am broke, but i still don't think this entitles him to any say in my academic career (especially considering how limited his was). When i was at pcc i took a couple art classes, a total of 4, i think. Well he had the nerve to ask me "what do you need art classes for?" all indignant like i was just some dumb hippie wasting his money. Amber has many faults but they are none of them academic. It was a painting class that he was specifically referring to. I did a couple of pieces and most of them sucked. There was, however, this painting of a womans face that i copied from a page torn out of a magazine because i liked the way it was cropped. It is about 10 by 12 and hanging in my bathroom, if any of you have ever been to my house. It turned out quite well, and i'm fairly proud of it. I stayed the night at my parents house and put the painting on the table to show them in the morning. While i was still asleep and they were having their coffee I overheard my mom telling my dad "are you going to apologize to Amber for giving her shit about taking an art class?" after they saw the painting. He did apologize and now he asks me for new stuff all the time, which i oblige whenever i have hours to spare. I figured out the meaning of an expression last night which will pose no great mystery to you, gentle reader, because you will see it spelled, but keep in mind i had to puzzle it out in my head. The expression: "kneewalking drunk". I was really hungry yesterday. Normally i barely have room for two meals but i ate three times yesterday and was still starving by the time i went to bed. With no physical activity to speak of. Maybe I'm pregnant. No not really. ha ha just kidding. thats not funny. God i hope not. I want kids someday but i need to finish school before i will even be able to consider that or marriage. On that happy note my next door neighbor and one of my best friends both had babies over the weekend. Their last names are both Yoshihara, too. Mui coincidence. Well bye for now. kiddies

I am stupid

everyone knows that some things seem like a good idea when drunk but turn out not to be in the light of sobriety. An example would be my decision to let people draw on me for drinks. I brought the sharpie to the bar in order to draw a mustache on myself should i decide to. I ended up with my arms, stomach and back FULL of ink. The interestingart was knowing what it must feel like to have sleeves. I hope someone got a picture. The men are fucking coming out of the woodwork. Every guy i've dated in the last ten years has popped in on me in the last two weeks. A guy that i had the hots for earlier this year was at the bar last night and i decided to tell him my thoughts. He had a girlfriend then so i never acted but he was f-i-n-e fine. He said he always thought i was cute too. I probably could have made out with him. A girl I know offered to have sex with me. I wonder if she was serious. She knows who she is and is probably going to read this. Another girl kissed me. It was hot lesbian action for me last night. Unfortunately i prefer sausage to taco. I went to sleep at about 4 and woke up at 3:30. I'm still hung over. Another guy who i sort of had a thing with has decided to parade his new girlfriend in front of me. It hasn't been that long since we were last together. It's over for sure now. I think. Oh well, i like someone else anyway. Not just anyone, mind you, he happens to be the perfect guy. Perfect. Hot, funny, and great in the sack. I hope it works out. anyway, i'm going to go sleep off my hangover.

hmmm.

what to say? some times i feel obligated to blog because everyone else posts so often. Love stinks, i can say that. I am really anxious for Lynn to get back. I didn't realize how much time i spent with her. I had to party for an entire weekend without her. It was hard but i got through it. I did feel kind of naked without her, though, more exposed maybe. I drank entirely too much last night and ended up calling in sick to work. My punishment was staying home tonight. Fat lot of good it did, here it is 5 am and i'm still up, and probably will be for a couple more hours. I need to go back to school if for no other reason than to get a normal schedule again. I love being a nightowl, i have been ever since i was little, but i hate all the days i miss out on. I haven't woken up before 3 pm all week. Bleh. Sometimes it's so hard to find something on tv that holds my interest longer than a couple minutes, but tonight there was a 3 and 1/2 hour documentary on about Kevin Smith. It was really just footage of his college lecture tour, which was more of a q & a than a lecture. three hours later i didn't want it to end and then scoured the house for my copy of Dogma. I couldn't find it. I might question whether someone with only a few movies under his belt warrants a three hour special, but it was good so who am i to question. If you have a chance to watch it i highly recommend. He has so many good stories, including a half hour or so about Prince that was hilarious. Jason Mewes was on part of it and he denied the heroin possession rumors. I'm not sure i believe him, but heres hoping. My sister and i are finally getting along, though i have no idea why. I don't really care so long as it sticks. Two of my best friends, who happen to be guys, acted really lame last night because there was a chick around. It really hurt my feelings, although they said later that they were just kidding. I'll tell you the story; I left the hut a little late last night as i dropped my bike light and had to piece it back together. I stopped at a the church because it held really strong memories of an ex who passed away last year, and then was on my way home. My friend's house happens to be directly on my way home so i rode by, not really expecting to see anyone. My friend was not there but another of our friends was. I stopped to talk to him and then attempted to ride and found my wheel completely stuck, where it had been fine moments before. He told me to wait a second because everyone else was on their way. He used to be a bike mechanic and he offered to look at it. We got inside, he looked at my bike and tried to fix it and then one of the boys started making fun of me saying i broke my bike on purpose so i could stop by and crash. First of all i have no problem barging, and if i had wanted to do so i would have no qualms about it. I would not have needed to make up an excuse. Second of all I would hardly break one of my favorite possessions, not to mention my PRIMARY FORM OF TRANSPORTATION to use as said excuse. He was not able to fix my bike because my rim was incredibly bent and fucked up. Whatever, i'll just get a new rim at citybikes or some other place. Third, they are supposed to be my fucking friends. Good friends. I need a shower.

some things i hate to admit i like

some things i hate to admit i like:ben affleck, dave matthews band, gwen stefani,macdonalds fries, christina aguilera, blink 182, sheryl crow, that really cute kid from the OC. Things i often have to defend my fondness for:friends (the show), buffy the vampire slayer, pabst, certain people on my friends list (they know who they are, and if they don't, Lynn does),soda pop, the hut. Things i hate and can't understand why anyone else likes them:professional wrestling, lite beer, doritos, the gap, downtown danceclubs, overpriced waterfront festivals ie. the bite, rose festival, brewfest, etc.defense of marriage ideals, men who go tanning, and the OC. Just an insight into my twisted psyche. the end

A fairy too?

Okay, i promise i'm almost done with that metaphor. So you know how everyone always says bad things happen in threes? Well i don't know if that's true but the third GOOD thing in a row just happened, and this one is way better than i ever could have dreamed. So most of you know that i have been my sisters life preserver for the last year and a half, and it was really starting to deflate me (!?). I have been holding out for something (though i didn't know what) to change, presumably for the worse, which would push me to finally ditch her and get on with my own life. She has been very irresponsible with the money she had while she was working and she was miserable there, then she got fired. After that we got her in to school. She was really irresponsible with that money too, and it appears as if she may have flunked out anyway. Plus she's had sticky fingers a little bit, and on top of that she's been a huge bitch. Well i can finally relax because SHE GOT INTO THE UNION!!!!!!! She was in a pre-apprentice electrical program in job corp, and she has been waiting to join the IBEW's apprentice program which includes classroom and paid otb training. She did very well on the test and she has been 16th in line for like a year and a half, and then a year before that she was 256. She starts monday.

another unicorn

so it seems so long ago, but just a week ago i was in school. I was moaning on and on about how hard my math classes were and how i was afraid i wasn't getting it. I even went so far as to cry in the bathroom one class period where i was particularly confused. Well i did two things after that. I buckled down and worked extra hard before class with some classmates everyday, and i had a talk with my instructor. I discussed the current status of my grade and how i was concerned that i wouldn't pass because of my scores. He said that he is not a numbers teacher. He makes an overall decision based on how you know the material by the end of the quarter. I told him i could live with a C and if that was still possible i would continue and not drop the class. I guess I proved myself because he gave me an A- !!!!!!!!!!! My ecstasy right now is beyond belief, and i want to give him a lapdance. This is vector calc btw. I got a B- in differential equations. Not an A- i know, but i'll take it.

Work

Really sorry i missed the soap box, i was working. I worked a lesbian wedding (catering) and it was really a very interesting event. The ladies were very wealthy; an engineer and a graphic designer. They had three adopted children, an older girl and twins. A boy and a girl, about 8 months, they were blonde and they were sooooo cute. If you know me you know i'm obsessed with blonde children, i won't marry anyone unless they can give me little aryan offspring (i didn't mean that in an sort of neo-nazi way). I really enjoyed being a towhead and i want that experience for any puppies i pop out. but i digress. these children were adopted by this same sex couple, and because of the nature of same sex laws in this state and many others the adoption is complicated. Two women cannot adopt a child, but a single woman can. Now if the state is your only enemy that can be remedied by making the other parent a guardian in case of death or whatever. One parent is still the primary guardian. The problem is in the case of an ugly breakup where the primary tries to block the rights of the other. Imagine if Julie Cypher suddenly told Melissa she couldn't see the kids anymore. That would be well within her rights under the law as it is. Along with other survivorship rights, such as debt and estate and living trust decisions, these issues are what really make up the gay marriage/civil union issue. That is the problem with this issue, many people aren't aware what is really at stake. The right has done a good job of convincing people that this is strictly about godliness, and ignored the fact that people are suffering in ways that their lifestyle alone wouldn't earn such a heavy price. As far as civil unions are concerned, i support the equality of marriage, but couldn't object to a civil union clause were it to defer the necessary rights on the concerned parties. The problem with that is that rather than acquiring those rights by one simple action, a long and drawn out fight where every step is a struggle is probably gonna be required. I read a blog in the merc where someone suggested what i had thought all along. The idea is not that gays should be added to the legal scope of marriage, but that the law shouldn't govern any of it. All marriages should be called civil unions under the law, and any religion can confer this status through it's ordained representatives to any parties they think worthy (within the law). It's the only way. Wohoa, tangent anyone... anyway, i have a shitload of projects in my house, not to mention drinking to do whilst i'm on vacation. Btw, maybe there are unicorns.

dreams don't come true

there are no happy endings. the horse does not come in at the last minute on that million to one ticket to save the farm. there are no fairies, wizards, and there most certainly are no unicorns. And there absolutely positively is no true love. the dread pirate roberts is not really your sweet wesley back from the dead. When all is said and done things ends up more like old yeller. so don't bother trying, don't reach for the stars, and save us all some time and heartache and love the one you're with.

i guess it's been that kind of week

So as of right now i am comfortable with my level of alcohol consumption, since we are all getting existential about that right now. Especially since my birthday, i just haven't felt the juice in quite the same way. I'm lucky to be in school because that's been a forced moderator. Since we are all sharing stories of kicking habits i thought i'd share my current one. I have kicked my soda habit. I am not one to force myself outta somethin i like, so as long as i like it i'll drink it. It has been in the back of my mind that i wanted to quit for a long time. Well, recently i have started drinking water first thing when i eat. Since then i crave the taste of that with my meals, and soda tastes too sweet for me. I still drink it with lunch, but dinner is a strictly water meal. That means I have effectively cut a rather large consumption in half. Martin left yesterday. It's funny, my sister misses him more than i do. If i think about it i get choked up a little, but thats it. I'll miss him too, but it's kinda nice havin my room back. We weren't doin it or anything, in fact nothing physical was going on. We did spend alot of time together, especially cooking. I'm kinda bummed. I am looking forward to having sex again. Hopefully soon.Finals tomorrow. One more day of school!!! hope i can find work next week.

spf 45

went to the river today and got nice n burnt. was going to go out tonight but was too tired. see yall next weekend

have you ever seen a bee with a sunburned knee?

haven't blogged in a while, i'm kinda out of practice. I think i'm in heavy heavy like. the who is a me to know, you to find out sort of situation. just know that i'm a little spun right now. (and it's not martin). speaking of that sitch, there are some interesting events to report; night after night of ....NOTHING. no sex. not even heavy petting. I must say i'm kinda surprised about that, but it definitely would have interfered with my heavy like. He actually turned me down! just once, and that was enough for me to not try again. in hindsight i'm glad. i was kind of doing it because the person i like was on my shit list and i was ready to put an end to my feelings, but now i feel that might have been hasty. I am obsessed with food. I'm sure i've said it before, but i really watch food network like it's mtv (think mtv like it used to be. you know, when it would show videos (cool ones) most of the time, with spurts of news every now and then, and everyone under the age of 30 would have it on in the background for hours at a time) well that's how i watch food network. I haven't decided who my favorite chefs are, though. I like sarah moulton alot, and giada delaurentis is so petite i just want to put her in my pocket. her presentation of italian dishes is quite mesmerising. i guess my favorite would have to be alton brown. I don't know that he's ever been a professional chef, as in a restaurant, but he has his own show called good eats. What makes his show so good is the way he focuses on one subject, say eggs for example and goes through all the myths and popular ways to handle it. He backs up all of his suggestions with explanations and science. My math classes are going alright. I had a nervous breakdown in vector class on weds. I got one of my homeworks back and i got 3/30 on it. The teacher grades homework randomly and two of the three problems he graded happened to be the ones i didn't do. I did poorly on the first homework and on the first midterm, so i was a bit worried. I was a little distraught so i went in the bathroom and balled for a minute. I was mostly upset because i wasn't getting the material. this is my major so that is my main concern. the grade is really just a means to me. it'll be alright, im sure. On a few lighter notes we're going to the river saturday. right now it's myself, martin, lynn, jackie, and maybe jessica. i haven't told them but i plan on packing a nice picnic, with cheeses, fruit and bread. i will also be making a fruit and juice concoction to mix with a bottle of cheap white wine. yeah!!!! did i mention i'm in like. anyway. schools almost out, but these last two weeks will be a little hectic. after that i need to do some workin!

million dollar baby

was made because they weren't confident they could tug at your heart strings enough with a girl athletic story. so they had to tug at them titanic style. Friday night lights, now theres a movie. to bad no body is brave enough to make a movie like that about women's sports. FIGHT THE MUTHAFUCKIN POWER, YA HEARD

math

as many of you know i am a math major. I have been considering majoring in math to enter the grad teacher ed program so i can teach hs math so i can get my loans forgiven while pursuing my physics phd. now that that's clear i would like to wax regarding my math education. I am currently learning multivector calculus. Bare with me here, i shall test my skills. If you've ever taken any math beyond algebra 1, you know that when we deal with theoretical math we deal with x. It is our standard variable. We have spent our entire mathematical careers studying the world of numbers in terms of x. This quarter i have to relearn the whole process with multiple variables. theres x, and y and sometimes t,r or maybe the greek letters theta, rho, lambda, mu etc. all of which have their appropriate contexts depending on the phenomenon you are studying. t is used for functions studying time, theta is a angles in radians, rho lambda and mu are for spherical coordinate systems. Then theres d for the determinant or maybe derivative, h for the hessian, and on and on and on. I have no problem with these different variables, i just wish they hadn't seen fit to spring ALL of them on us in one condensed summer session. I am having no problem with the concepts, its the fucking notation i haven't seen before that is stumping me. oh and we are learning all these processes in terms of two variables instead of just one. anyway, i'm going to bed now.

seriously folks

first off i acquired "chicken in black". for those of you who don't know it is the last song recorded by Johnny Cash before he left columbia records. It was only released as a single, never on a record. They thought it was so terrible he was released from his contract because of it (he died with a lifetime contract with def American-def as in Ric Rubin).I actually doubted whether it really existed. I think it's great. It's about a brain transplant gone wrong. I had a very light weekend. I had no hangover saturday or sunday, which is highly unusual for me. Lynn and I hung out with some boys from the creature team, one of whom we have decided is capital F fine. I would really like to go to the river next weekend. if anyone else wants to go I think that a good picnic and some good beer would be in order. Sandy, Clackamas, Washougal, whatever. I have a live in chef, for the time being. Martin was a professional chef for a long time and he is more than willing to share his skills. I love it because i love to cook too, but i am deficient in the finer points of culinaria. Lastly, i am very concerned that a Sandra Day O'connor has resigned. Roe v Wade is all but lost. I have some problems with abortion passed the first month or so, but i think it is absolutely essential that it remain law, barring partial birth abortion. I am resigned to that fact because i don't see any way to stop it. I will be happy if it doesn't, but i have no faith in this administration.

Calculus

Is hard. my classes are way harder than at pcc. I kinda think its only because the teachers are not as good, not because of the content.

martin wins the contest for coolest dude ever.

i can only recount what i was told, i cannot verify. the last thing i remember was sitting at the table with dr.j and myi sisters boyfriend. after that i woke up. I have absolutely deleted from my brain every shred of evidence that anything happened in between those two events. As they have been told to me, the subsequent events are as follows: I was "waltzed" out by Martin as that was the easiest way for him to carry me. He and Dr. J escorted me to my house where they carried me inside, at which point my pants fell (sans underwear, oh horror). I used to date Martin so this is not new, um, information so to speak. Then i threw up on everything i own. Martin cleaned this up for me as i was incapacitated. I guess i spent a few hours in the bathroom, still bottomless, while the party raged on without me. I am kind of mortified that Martin saw me like this. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. I have never blacked out so utterly, but have definitely never puked in my sleep or even been incapacitated. At the very least i'm conscious. However i won't even try to convince him of that. Thanks to everyone for comin out and i'll see yall next weekend where i will try to stay conscious.

Moving Day

happy day before my birthday to me.  Maybe i'm conceited, but i've always felt my birthday was just a little more special than everyone elses. See, i was supposed to be born on the 4th, but was 5 days late (insert joke here). This was in the year 1976. I was supposed to be a bicentennial baby. Also, it's in the summer, which makes it more special. Also, it's close to the 4th of july, so i always kind of feel like the fireworks are for me (childhood associations, maybe?). Also, it's me, and im special. I guess we all have this world view. Evolution's insurance policy, maybe? But whatever. Saturday's my birthday, and it's the last year for four more years before my birthday will be on a weekend again. I'm most excited about eating. Today is like chinese buffet, only on steroids, with good sushi and lobster. Also, there will be copious amounts of drinking. A good time will be had by all. I'm supposed to get up in less than 4 hours to go catch the train to Seattle, load up Martin's stuff, and move him down. Cept i'm not sleepy. Maybe i'll see yall tomorrow night, if not, see you saturday.

"fever dreams are wierd" or "comfortably numb"

So i awoke this morning with my fever finally broken. Well, it wasn't really morning but it was for me. Thanks to lynn for getting my bike out of my car when i was too woozy to. Anyway, i have already been sick once this year (also when i was about to go see martin) coincidence?. I remember when i was young i used to get these healthy, recuperative fevers. i had the chills and a little dizzyness, kind of like being stoned. All in all it wasn't a terribly uncomfortable experience, that is if you had enough blankets. You would freeze whenever you had to go to the bathroom and maybe you felt like you were going to pass out a little whenever you stood up. Then you would rush back to bed where it was warm and no physical exertion was required and you would fall asleep till mom or dad came home from work to make the call whether you would go to school the next day. Then would come the blessed relief of the sweats that let you know the white blood cells had emerged triumphant and you would live to battle another cold. I yearn for those days. For one thing i never give myself enough time to recover from illnesses and i always push my self to hard in between. This time i gave in right away. When i thought i might make it to school today i had to force my self to accept 1)that i could barely stand up, and 2)that it's not fair to put myself into the microbial incubator that is a classroom environment when all these other people have much busier lives than that they cannot afford to be kept from. Also, and more intensly i miss those minor childhood fevers. Now when i get sick i feel like someone has placed me in the oven at 375 to bake for 9 to 10 hours. I go right passed the chills and into a high fever stage where i'm so hot it hurts and my skull becomes a saucepot for my brain. It is just one of those subtle ways nature reminds me that no matter how immature i may still feel, i am gettin old. Blech. Did i mention that on saturday i turn 29. I will not waste screen by pondering how i remember being 21 and how old 29 seemed (though i do) or how i imagined i'd be married by now and maybe even a mother, certainly making more money (yes, even i fantasized about marriage) or any of the other cliche's people spout as the twenties slip by. What i will say is how young 21 seems now, and how immature they are and i was, how much i dig my life and how things ended up and how i wouldn't trade 29 for 21 for all the indie clout in portland. ( i was trying to think of a currency all could relate to- hence indie clout). Hope all can make it out at some point on mi cumpleanos.

"warm weather colds, ech" or "a midsummer nights phlegm"

So I woke up this morning sick as a dog, i slept until 8 oclock at night and now i still feel relatively infirmed. I definitely have a fever, And I don't want to take another dose of nyquil because dyphenhydramine really fucks with me. Although being sick is a good excuse to do absolutely nothing, which i never let myself do. So it's t minus 4 days till martin arrives, and now i'm more nervous than anything else. I didn't really consider how exactly this will affect my life. It is going to be4 a huge help for him, though. He reallu needs to get out of issaquah. He will be arriving friday night and will be attending my birthday bash. Thanks to everyone for coming to my house last night and not fucking anything up. Sorry if my sister was rude to anyone. She's pretty much all bark and no bite. For all of you who read my blog, i hope you can try to come to my birhday on saturday. We will be meeting at Todai at 6 pm for a gluttonous dinner. Then wherever you all would like to take me. I hope to post the plan in a couple days so everyone can come meet us. And i would just like to tell my Roxie Hart that her Velma Kelly says"he had it comin"

who needs a conscience anyway or lamentations of pinocchio

Good news... I have one. A conscience that is. I was worried about myself for a while. You know i have an obsessive sense of integrity, but I think thats only because i was afeard of consequences. I'm no fool. I know about karma and Newtons first law and everything. I usually do the right thing, but my hearts not really into it. There is hope however. The other day my niece was over who i like alright, although she can be annoying,(she climbs allover me all the time-she's 9). Well she made a quck move towards me as i was turning with my laptop in my hand and....CLOCK! right in the nose. She cried really hard and got a bloody nose. I felt so terrible. Even though it was an accident and she said she knew i didn't mean to do it. That didn't matter, i felt like shit. yes japetto, i'm a real boy.

42

Some one, whom i didn't get along with recommended something to me and i was dead set against it, but it has been creeping up on me lately and now i think it may be just the ticket (i'm a big believer in fate). See, those of you who know me know that i'm quite the brainiac, loving science and math and what not. I was planning on getting my bachelors in physics, since it is ultimately the most interesting endeavor i can possibly think of. That being the case i would only have to take math up to differential equations and vector calculus, which i am in right now. The problem is, i don't think these pursuits would remotely prepare me for the level of study i want to participate in. So i have been debating switching my major to math. I found out i am much closer to a bachelors in math, and my mom says she thinks it is much more useful in the job market. Now, back to what that person recommended. I am very frightened of getting out of school and having 30 or 40k in student loan debt. I am well aware that there are certain areas of employment that are considered public services by the us government and are associated with fairly generous loan forgiveness programs. While it is not just that simple, it is a good way to go. So why not get a bachelors in math, and then enter the graduate teacher program, to teach highschool math, which is only a year and doesn't require any of those child development or psychology classes. I could then continue my schooling on the side and still, eventually pursue my masters and then PhD in Quantum Physics wherein i would be a college professor and also participate in academic research. So theres that. On the other hand i want to be a part of the space program and i don't want to be over the hill by the time i'm qualified. Being a high school teacher would be cool, though.

recap

so thanks to jeff for hanging out and watching the beginning of chicago with ne. It's the second time this weekend i've watched it. He had it coming, he had it comin...you know the words. thanks to Dan for being a humanitarian. Thanks to lynn for goin halfs on the cab with me. Thanks to lea for coming out after a long and unnecessary absence. Thanks to the sandy hut for getting me fucked up yet again. Anyway i have a contact lens appointment on wednesday so i can finally stop wearing glasses again. I actually got hit on last night which hasn't happened in a while, despite how cute i think i am. I used get hit on a lot but i was much sluttier then. and fuck off to all the people who made fun of my led zeppelin shirt

Waxing Philosophical

you wouldn't know it to hang out with me but i'm a closet idealist. This applies to my country, my body, my education, and my integrity. Beware the next sentence sounds excruciatingly cheesy. I started on a journey of self improvement several years ago, focusing mainly on my karma. I have been relentless in the pressure i put on myself, largely because I felt for a long time nothing was happening. My behavior and choices weren't changing and i was seeing no results. After about seven years i have reached a level of confidence in the fact that i actually am noticeably much more mature. Again, to those who know me this may not seem obvious, but maturity is not always obvious. I don't consider myself an expert, but there are certain people in my life who i sort of feel like are my protege's in this arena. Lately i have been having the feeling that nothing is happening with my main protege, and i have been kept up nights with frustration. On the other hand, i cant give up. Tonight i was watching the west wing, which i love, and martin sheen quoted some german philosopher who said that politics "Is the boring by hand through hard boards and anyone who participates risks his soul" My first reaction was to get discouraged because i remembered what everyone knows which is that change is very very slow. On the other hand, i felt better because i know that anything that takes that long and requires that much hard work won't fall apart. It's solid stuff.

shibari, or "at the end of my rope"

I usually only read the missed connections on craigslist (i'm obsessed with them) but out of boredom and the desire to calm myself down i read some of the cheap sex posts. People mentioned being into "shibari" so i looked it up to see what it was. it's japanese style shiatsu bondage. It's actually quite interesting and fairly artistic to look at, though not really my bag.

the point is

That's how i feel right now, at the end of my rope.

As most of you know i live with my sister. We live in a duplex next to this couple with two young kids. They're indie, like the rest of us, tattoos and band tshirts and what not. The thing is when we first moved in they came over like five times to tell us that we were too loud and to blame us for waking their kid up. Maybe i'm cynical but i learned a long time ago that the world is not fair. If the young couple with kids want to tell on us the landlord is undoubtedly gonna believe them. Now my sister and i were not getting along when we first moved in and we were fighting, for which i apologize. However, we were not trying to make their lives harder, we were having a hard time ourselves. Anyway, we got over it and after a few more weeks we figured out that the kid cries ALL THE TIME!!! During the day, at night, for no good reason. Not only does the kid cry, but she doesn't stop crying. She cries for like a half hour at a time with no break. They have been planning on moving out since we moved in so we have been trying to bide our time till they do and everything will be OK. I just found out yesterday that they are breaking up, moving to different places. Now i'm really scared because they are probably two really unhappy people right now. They hate the landlord and they hate us and they probably hate the world, and that's understandable cause they are going through hard times. That makes them dangerous cause they have nothing to lose. If they want to trash us to the landlord on their way out there would be nothing to stop them. I have been screwed alot in my life. I tend to get the shaft for no good reason other than to teach me that life is hard. So even though i know it is not our fault, i don't have a lot of faith in that fact saving us in any way. We did fight tonight and we shouldn't have. Half the fucking reason we are fighting is because i don't think my sister is being cautious enough in tiptoeing around them. Also her friend always stays the night. Boyfriends are one thing, that is just part of the roommate package. I am really sick of her fucking couch house guest, though. I'm also really gunshy after the golfcourse incident. I am at the end of my rope, to restate. The upside is martin is coming probably next weekend. I didn't think i was that interested in him anymore, but i am really excited.

My Apologies

to anyone i may have insulted or inconvenienced by my melodramatic drunken ways last night. I did whatever i did in the chivalrous spirit. The person whom i extracted from her situation inflagrante will please know that i did it out of love and forgive me. My ex who left me to move to seattle and distill for Rogue is leaving his job and coming back to Portland, and he will be staying with me. For a month or so. I don't know where exactly we are in our relationship, but the only reason we broke up was because he moved. I don't know what kind of kink this is going to put in my lovelife, but I really want to help him out. He is a great guy

Nothin to Say

I'm going to bed early tonight cause i've got a long day tomorrow. Two shifts at the golf course, but hey, i need the money. I'm going out tomorrow but i might not be out saturday. I've got a function out in Gresham i've got to go to. maybe i'll make up for it by going out Sunday night. Or any night next week. Now that i'm out of school i am a free woman. i have to make a hun fifty or so this weekend but after that my money is pretty much free too. Whos comin with me...

A new phase

So finals are on tuesday and if all goes well i'll be footloose and fancy free in a few short days. As i said in an earlier blog i am not going to school this summer for the aforementioned reasons. I'm in a new house, have a steady income and i am in general feeling optimistic about my life. The love life issue is still the same, but thats my fault. I keep going back. I went to new seasons tonight and bought some goat cheese and a baguette and made myself a tasty fruit and cheese plate. I am quite stoked that i live so close to that badass store. I have several projects on m plate for the free time around the summer, stuff around the house and whatnot. I thought i had more to say, but i cant talk about what i want to so i guess i'll sign off.

fuckin egg sandwiches

are good, eh. i just took one of my, um ex messes-with home (damn he's fuckin cute!!!!). Then i had an egg sandwich. The key is the new-seasons sourdough bread. It's chewey goodness makes me feel good to be alive, yah know. Tha sista used all the fuckin cheddah so all i had left was some damn pepperjack. Still tasted muthafuckin good!!!! my recipe for a post drinkin egg sandwhich one egg- scrambled with a utensil and nuked for 1 minute. cheese- whatevah your favorite flavor is, put it on top right out of the microwave bread- good shit, not that franz garbage. Put it in the toaster while nukeing the egg soz it ll be perfect. eggs done, breads toasted, cheez is melted. Put a smidge of mayo on the bottom bun, then eggz n cheez, then top bread. I sware to god its the bread. good, drunken fullness. Night my lovelies.

a tough choice

actually it's not a tough choice. It's still a choice, though, so i have to think about it. my boss asked me if i wanted to take the summer off school and help the restaurant get organized, including writing the manual and designing the training. I get a raise because my shifts will not all be serving. Fuck yeah!!!! i wanna take the summer off. i wanna just work and make money and party. party.

duh duh duh duh....do do do do

big pimpin (spendin cheese) if that didn't get the song stuck in your head i am just not a success as a person. I told you my boss loves me. She said like a month before i start serving (even though i picked up a couple tables fri.) She's letting someone else go so i start wednesday, 8 to 5 which is a long shift for serving. That's a shitty way to get shifts tho', but i've been on the shit end of that stick before myself. It happens.

me+vodka=skinned knee

oh my fucking unholy god. So i had a fucked up weekend. I'm in a pretty good mood and i'm not particularly hung over but oh wow, what a weekend it has been. Friday night my friend got his face smashed with a beer bottle by some shit-talking kiwi who was shooting bb's at the car. He went to the hospital and got many stitches. Last night i got really drunk and fell down and skinned my knee up pretty bad. And since i was drunk i walked around the house on my hands and knees. it doesn't help that it's white carpet. Also i was locked out of my room all day. The door locks with one of those buttons on the handle and i must have triggered it in my stupor. I finally got it open about two hours ago. Oh and i made out with some random guy outside the hut. No one saw. Could have been worse, i could have gone home with him. AND I CAN'T FIND A FUCKING JOB!!!! Also i need a date. Anyone want the job?

I'm fucking broke

Well not really, but I'm getting there. I wouldn't be if not for my sister. I love her lots but she's a bit of a financial burden. Plus she has not interest in her own finances but i cant let her slip, ya know. Well at least she makes semi regular payments to me on her debt. The upside is it's almost friday (trust me, from here on out it goes quick), and I may go out to the hut thurs to see alli n mike off. OOOOHHH and I spent some time on the GRE website (you know, the grad school equivalent to the sat's), looks like i'm gonna have to take the general test and then the math and physics subject test. I took the practice tests and I am soo gonna kick ass on it. Now if I can just figure out how to pay for it. It's still a year or two away, but well begun is half done (stole that from mary poppins donchya know). and now for a little t.m.i. if my boobs don't stop growing they're going to take over portland

You had to be a big shot

That song by billy joel always makes me feel guilty because i think it was probably written about a woman not too different from me. However, I am improving in this area alot in my old age. I'm still kind of a show off, though. Thats kind of irrelevant tonight. My love life is in the crapper. All i have to say is ftf never works. And when it goes bad, i'm always the one who comes out on the shit end. Of course all my relationships are like that. The good news is i'm all moved. I'm not all unpacked, not by a longshot, but it feels good to be in no rush. Watched Frida today. My what an interesting woman she was. Some of her stuff is too abstract for me, but i like her much more now that I've seen the movie. My that diego was a piece of work. Part of me wants to hate him, but, Idunno, i don't. Fear of having a relationship like that is what has left me how i am. A semi serial monogamist who has a tendency to sleep with my friends but won't let any one guy get me too jazzed. I'm still pining for the one that got away. He knows who he is. If you're out there, I'm still here.

Everybody Loves Raymond

I don't know why this has affected me so much, but I have taken up watching everybody loves raymond. Maybe it's out of sheer morbid curiousity, or maybe it's because it's on right after friends on the weeknight syndication. Usually I watch that 70's show. The thing is, i get fired up just watching this show. Could it be that it reminds me of my family too much? I don't know but I know that I get unreasonably infuriated everytime i watch this show, and I find it a little frightening . It is kind of funny some times.

i'm a nerd and uh...

I'm pretty proud of it. So my doc martens that i ordered came and they are sooooo cute, but oh, too big. So i will try to return them to the warehouse, which thankfully is in portland but we'll see. I have an appointment to sing with this girl on saturday, see if we harmonize together. Financial aide here tomorrow. Look for me to be ghetto rich real soon!!!!

Burgerville, Shmurgerville

I went to burgerville for dinner and ordered a bvbbgb (burgerville black bean gardent burger) and what did they give me? a fucking pepper bacon cheese burger. Now i am a vegetarian but i'm not militant. Not the meat is murder kind. Plus i was hungry. EEEEW it was so gross. I'm sure it was a great quality burger. I guess i'm just not  a burger person anymore. I threw it up. Good times.

Tweakers Will Fuckin Steal Anything

I had my bike locked to the fence because i was tired of storing it in my room. I wove the lock through the tire and around the frame soz they didn't get any bright ideas about seperating the two. They stole my fucking headlight. Son of a bitch. How do i know it was tweakers? I live on 58th and foster.

What the Fuck is wrong with me?

So i was on a good road for a while, going to bed early and getting up fairly early, but somehow i got off track. See, if I don't watch myself i can stay up till 4, 5, 7 or later, whence i sleep ALL DAMN DAY. I don't sleep an excessive amount, just during the most inopportune time for getting things done. So I have this trick for when i get screwed up. Well, not really a trick unless you consider tylenol pm magic. But whatever, it gets me back on track. It didn't work this week, and it was my own fault. So now it's 4 am and i am going to have to force myself the old fashioned way, by staying up all the way through. No biggie, but it's going to make me go to bed at like 5 tonight. fun fun fun