The greener grass

I have seen some of my highschool pictures (not the one of my old nose. that one's a bit frightening), and I'm amazed at how thin I was. The reason I am amazed is because this is not the way I remember it. I remember being plagued by thoughts of how much fatter I was than the popular girls. I know, puke, right? This leads me to wonder how many other ways I felt inferior that were less than accurate. I have talked to many people that I went to school with, and while I thought I was nerdy and unpopular, they thought i was a snob. Now, I am not waxing philosophical about popularity and self image just to be emo.  I am distressed by how much I missed out on, how unhappy I was because of time spent worrying about those things. It's bullshit. I am sure it didn't stop after high school. Well, I know I felt the same way, so I'm sure there's a good chance that my feelings were equally as inaccurate. And guess what? I still kind of feel the same way. I have much more confidence in my people skills; my ability to make friends, hang out, and generally be fun to be around is much improved. My body image, I'm afraid, is not much better. I just have too many friends who are way hotter than I am to delude myself about that. Don't get me wrong, I know that the opposite sex has much different and broader tastes. I know that being cool goes a long way, and I don't want to brag, but, well, I am. Very. I also firmly believe that the powers that be did not design this universe so that appearance is the key to happiness. I still really let it get to me. I think about all the summer things I want to be doing and my appearance definitely affects my enthusiasm. I actually feel that I have a pretty healthy relationship with food. I decided a long time ago that life is short and nothing was worth denying myself things I wanted to eat. I don't eat McDonalds or any of that crap, no doritos or junk food for me. But other than that I eat what I want, when I want. It's not like I gained a bunch of weight, or anything. No, I pretty much look the same as I have for about the last 5-10 years. In fact, since being single I have lost a few pounds. But, if you're a girl, you understand that it doesn't really matter. The reality of your appearance is of no consequence when it comes to the world we create inside our heads. The inner monologue that says how things are is very hard to change, and some of us are so invested in it we don't want it too. It's comforting. So my point is, I really need to do something about it. I don't want to miss any more of life worrying about this crap.