Roomies

so he's moving in.

List

this a partial list of all the meals my babie has cooked for me:
pasta with marinara (2)
shrimp frittata
french toast
crepes
egg sandwich
lentil soup
christmas chicken w/ mashers, corn, stuffing, candied carrots, cranberry and    gravy

there is more but I can't remember it all. not one of those meals has disappointed me.

Success

I have 7 students, as many of you know. Most of them are Juniors, and are new to me this year. However, I have 2 that I have had since last fall who are seniors and they are also my favorites (I bought one a TI-89 and the other an Etienne Aigner purse for Christmas). One of them found out last night that she got in to Sarah Lawrence!!!!!! That means she'll be in NY with me and I can look out for her. I bet she also thinks I'll buy her alcohol. Woooo Hoooo!!!!!

well maybe

okay so I changed my mind. a girl's allowed to change her mind. I'll stick with it for a while longer.

Sick

I'm on my third day not getting out of bed. I'm tired of being sick and am getting up and joining the real world tomorrow whether I feel better or not. I will feel better, i feel pretty good now. I got sick on weds. I went out on Thanksgiving with my homegirl and a date. It was fun but I won't be seeing him again. She talked me into going out on Fri. as well. I knew I was going to get worse but I also knew I would have the weekend to get better. We went to see Neurosis at Dantes. They were wierd. Kinda like the dead combined with tool or something. I wasn't having a terrible time but Christine wasn't into it so we bailed and went to the hut. We met some dudes and drank beers with them a little and then after the bar closed. Then we went home. As predicted I was sicker the next day and decided I would stay in bed till I got well. Fast forward to today and that is finally the case. What is surprising to me is how stoked I was with just staying in bed. Usually when I stay home on a Saturday night for any reason I get ants in my pants and I can feel people partying without me. This time I was right where I wanted to be. I haven't showered since friday. EEEEW.

Sick

f someone knows the secret to not getting sick i wish you would let me in on it. i'm sick of getting sick. anyway. went out last night against my better judgement cause my friend was really jonesin. I owed her one for going out with me when she didn't want to. I only had, like, 4 beers in 4 hours. I think i might have had 1 cigarette. Actually 2. I think it was the claustrophobic smoke of the Sandy Hut that did it. And now I am too sick to function and my good friends' reception is tonight. I'm not gonna go. no choice. Still waiting to hear back from NYC. Keep your fingers crossed.

Down and out in Beverly Hills

an interesting movie, i'd say. I hadn't seen it since I was a kid, and watching it again, it makes more sense. I'm sick. Missed class today and i plan on laying in bed all day so i can get over it quickly. I was supposed to have a date tonight. Hopefully dude won't mind waiting till tomorrow. So I read Vogue. right now it's one of only two magazines I subscribe to. The impression that vogue is strictly materialistic and superficial is a deceptive one. I have actually read many a deep and thoughtful article in said magazine. Like the one I read this morning. A very gifted and lucky female war correspondent mused over the life and death of her hero and role model, a woman named Oriana Fallaci. She was an iconoclast (she referred to herself as La Fallaci) and had interviewed everyone from Indira Ghandi to Qaddafi. Not only did she interview them but she was bossy and probing in a way that no other reporter could pull off. This correspondent was writing not of her admiration for Fallaci (although that was implied), but how she avoided what she observed to be the one failing of Fallaci. Fallaci had only one love in her long and war torn career, a greek freedom fighter who was killed in a car crash. She also never had children, but wrote about her regret for the fact in a book "Letter to a Child Never Born". The author di Giovanni woke up one day and realized she feared ending up the same way. She took a leave of absence, married another journalist she had been flinging for years, and had a child within 9 months. I am frightened. I am frightened of ending up like either of these women. I can't say I am as career driven as either of them, or rather that my career is as impressive as either of theres (math teachers are not known for their fame). I really am fairly driven, actually. I am reflecting on this because of my recent sickness. I new it was coming, after all, it was only a matter of time what with the travelling and non stop school, studying, tutoring, and partying. Also, I am about to leave everything and everyone I love and pick up and move to NY for more school and more work. I don't forsee that as being my last move. Let's hope I don't end up old and alone with my high minded aspirations and integrity. Also, I don't want to drop everything and do it on purpose cause I'm afraid it won't happen otherwise. Ivory towers are pretty, but they're lonely. Still, it's where I live.

Geek Cusina

you know, i love my friends. They're like my family. which is why I sometimes venture to places like the geek cusina. My friends like it there, and i like rap music, so i go to make them happy. The dudes there are tools, though. So when the party started to wind down at the cusina I caught a cab towards sunnier parts; the sandy hut. Little did I know upon arrival at 12:45 that my night was just getting started. My two P.I.C. were already there and gotten things started. The dance party was in full swing, and we all commented on how much we liked it when dudes participated as well. Of course the girls are gonna dance, ya know. It was the huts greatest hits; sabbath, benetar, cheap trick, you know them by heart. There was even some male ass shaking when madonna came on. Some dude I had a date with, like, three years ago put stickers on my boobs. Then he asked me to go home with him (yeah right). It sucks cause I think he has a girlfriend, and I don't like dudes like that. Another dude was playing basketball with sugar packets and my cleavage. Honestly, it was only a 4 foot shot, but he didn't make one. Shaq. He finally curtailed his 5th grade antics and hit on me like an adult. We went and drank with the usual dirtbags, and shaq wanted me to hang out, but I don't need to the walk of shame in a house full of dirtbags. Even though it wouldn't have been a real walk of shame every one would think it was. I did give my tongue a bit of a work out though. He got my number. Problem is I'm a lame duck now. I mean, I'm moving to New York in as soon as 7 months, and i'm not interested in anything serious. I'm also not really into the casual thing right now. Oh well, I always find a way to get my action. Time to go do some chemistry homework.

too much beer

sometimes my mouth has a mind of it's own. oh well, it's just makin' out. Lynn, what is thay say about little packages?

nyc photos

two slideshows kiddies:

slideshow1

slideshow2

My Heart Belongs to Portland

for now... I am homesick after only 4 days in the big apple. I had a great time, but it's a bit lonely in the big city by yourself. The interview was yesterday and it went great. I was expecting more math people, so that bodes well for my chances. After the interview was over I was excited to get down to some serious partying. And party I did!. but i'm getting ahead of myself. Friday I went all over. I scoped out the interview place so I would know how to get there. It was on park ave. so I got to see what that neighborhood was all about. I also saw St. Andrews cathedral, and I lit a candle. I saw times square, and my it was overwhelming. I didn't spend much time there. I went to canal street because the bartender told me that's where you get all the high end knockoffs. I bought a pair of DG sunglasses, not because I wanted them but because I forgot mine. They were 7 doll hairs. I ate in a chinese place called "Excellent Dumplings". I didn't have dumplings but I had hot and sour soup and tofu noodles. I saw the Brooklyn bridge but didn't go across it. I also saw the skate spot underneath it. I knew it was there, but that wasn't why I went. It was interesting. There was lots of homemade stuff, and just as many BMX'ers as skaters. I walked through the projects trying to get to the bus. They weren't scary or anything, but they were so big it was overwhelming. I hear there are even more off the island. I also took the Staten Island ferry at night because i heard  the view was cool. I got to see the statue of liberty, and it wasn't as big as I thought it would be. It was still neat though. I went back and had some beers and talked to some girls from Columbia university. They were nice. Oh and I also checked out NYU. I wasn't impressed. The university was nice enough but the vibe didn't do it for me. The library was f'ing huge!!!! I went to bed early. Last night was my real NY experience. I hooked up with my friend who lives here and he took me to some bars on the lower east side. So many people and places it was amazing. We were going to go to this gypsy bar, which i wasn't that into, but we got there and it was dead. We passed a metal bar on the way and that was where we ended up. It was called the "murder city bar" and it was RAD. I probably just liked it because it reminded me of home. Oh, and as I was walking in I ran into a dude I see at the Hut all the time. What The Fuck! I sware. I was really tired from the two previous days, and though I had intended to take full advantage of the later bar hours (4am) I was pooped by 2:30. I wasn't really looking forward to the train ride back to the hostel so we took a cab to his house. It was a wierd feeling waking up after a night of drinking in an apartment in brooklyn!!! I did get to see what $900 dollars a month will get you. And that brings us to the present. Its  9:30 here and i leave in the morning so i must pack and get some sleep. I'm exhausted. Like I said my heart belongs to Portland....for now. pictures when i get back kids.

NYC

Just got here 6 hours ago and already at home!!! I missed 4 busses. First i waved at a driver and he drove off. I flipped him off. Then I only had a twenty. then i got my 2 dollars and found out that they only accepted quarters. finally caught the bus. got to my hostel, which is actually really nice. I was careful about my choice. it is a youth hostel intl property, so it is a good'n. I am sharing a room with 12 people, though. bought a pack of spirits for $7.50. then the night really got exciting. I had a slice of pizza for $3 that was the biggest thing I have ever seen in my life. Went directly to an irish pub, and was unpleasantly surprised to find it was a college bar. No one there was over 22. they were from Columbia university, but that didn't make it much better. I talked to the bouncer for an hour (a straight guinea, firefighter to boot). Then I left and went to a much less crowded bar where the nice bartender bought me a shot and took one for herself. Shortly after I arrived some weird dude that tried to talk to me at the other bar sat down and I talked to him for the rest of the night. Relatively speaking he wasn't weird, he was well dressed and worked in finance. He found out i was a mathematician and started grilling me. He tried to test me on the cosine of pi and started yelling at me and then found out he was wrong. I let him walk me home, cause frankly it was a bit sketch. Then he tried to kiss me. NO DICE dude! Now i'm in the hostel on the internet. Tomorrow I'm gonna cram as much as i can into the day, assuming i get up early enough. It's 4 am here. See yall soon!!!

Can't sleep

cause i'm too fucking excited. I'm going to new yawk bitches!!! and you ain't. I'm not leaving till thurs. tho

Countdown

t-minus 2 days. I am super fucking busy cause I have to get as much work as I can done before I go. Cause I ain't doing homework in NYC ya heard! i'm already scoping out places to troll for dirtbags, although I don't know how much damage I can do in 1 night. I have a friend there that I'm gonna hang out with, though, so maybe he can help me out. Seriously, when i move to NYC i may have to switch from dirtbags to B-boys. i've always had a special place in my heart for the b-boys ever since highschool when I used to run around with my best friends' older brother's graffiti friends. But, there really aren't any proper ones in PDX anymore. However, I suspect that there will be plenty there! Maybe i'll find a nice Pharell type hybrid of the two. Except he's a little heavy on the bboy side for me. Ah, so many men, so little time. Wish me luck!!!!

I got an interview

for a fellowship program in NYC. I have to leave Nov. 9th and return on the 12th. My parents are cashing in miles to get me a ticket but i need help, coupons, recommendations, names of friends or family that might be able to help me find a place to stay!!!!!

mang

woe is me.

ME!

i have nice boobs

Dudes

i am officially back on the market. really, I always was, technically, but I wasn't mentally. well now i am mentally the Amber we all once knew and loved (some more than others). damn it feels good to be a gangsta. I had two dates this weekend and had a great time on both. however, i think that I will only date 23 year old boys from now on. sorry to all you older dudes.

Molested

Last night i was really drunk. i was talking on the phone about a block away from a party i had been at. All of a sudden a really creepy dude runs up with his pants down and starts jerking off in front of me. I screamed and ran. it was freaky.

Shit

I'm only taking one math class this quarter. actually it's not even math, it's stats. it is 400 level though, so it's not all slack. I'm actually almost done with all the math i'm gonna take in my undergrad, and other people seem like they're continuing on. I'm kinda jealous. oh well. i'm also taking chem and adolescent psych. they're alright. the most interesting thing to happen right now is in the tutoring world. I now have 5 students. all from just 1. its only 75 dollars a week, but it should finance my bar hopping and eating out for a while. tired. night.

Grad School Applications

they take a long time and are a lot of work. I am applying to 7 schools at present (though after seeing that number for the first time I may narrow it down). The app fees range from $30-$125 and in total will be around  $470. My dream schools are NYU and Columbia, and the newton fellowship program, which is not a school but rather a subsidization program of rather high prestige. Both of the aforementioned schools participate in the program and admission guarantees attendance. The good news is that NY needs teachers like you wouldn't believe, and they are more than willing to help pay for you to become one. I am also applying to Long Island university, Suny @ Stony Brook, Cuny Brooklyn, Hofstra, and Manhattanville college. I am not sure which school I am most jazzed about yet, I think that will come after I'm done with the app's and have had time to relax. In the spring I am visitng the city and hopefully all of the schools. That should be pretty rad. Most of these apps are not due till after the first of the year, and I've been working on them since before most of them were even open (i'm applying online). It's alot to keep track of, though. Also, I have yet to find a third recommender. Only a few of the schools require 3 recommendations; most require 2, but I still don't have one. See I can't just ask one of my homies to say they think I'm the smartest broad they've ever met, it's gotta be someone of a bit higher stature. So far I've got my phD math prof who loves me and one of my student's mothers who also loves me. Both are particularly appropriate. But i still do not have a third in mind. Oh well, it'll come to me. thats all for now.

New Music

I don't like most of the shit that's on the radio now. And strangely enough I like the stuff on the urban stations more than the alternative stations. Those stupid lo-fi bands with their Rod Stewart haircuts and girl pants all really make me wanna vomit. There is a song I like, though. I don't know who it's by or anything and I only heard it a couple times, but I'm trying to figure it out. The vocals are kind of distorted and the rythm is sort of na na na   na na na na. Any ideas? oh well, I plan on going through the billboard hot 100 song by song tonight till i figure it out.

Grad School Essay: Final Draft

Personal Statement

by Amber Lauer

Although I am only 30 I am a bit older than many graduate students. I did not begin full time school till the age of 26, so I have had a little more time to ponder what I want to do with my life.

I spent several years hoping to be a doctor, a pilot, a lawyer, and an astronaut (I still sort of want to do that), and on each new career path I was sure. Some I pursued more actively than others, and obstacles often discouraged me. I admit that a sense of aptitude for teaching, specifically for teaching mathematics did not arrive all at once. This sense has grown gradually since settling on this career choice, and everything has fallen into place.

As a teenager I did my share of babysitting, so I spent a fair amount of time with kids. Later, I was a swim instructor and camp counselor. Though I was not mature enough to recognize it at the time, I was very fulfilled by these experiences. Despite this, I never considered teaching as a career.

I love mathematics.

This was not always so, however.

I was always good at math. I was in advanced math classes from middle school , I completed high school calculus, and also took the required college math for a liberal arts degree. And still the love was not there.

Those who choose to teach identify unhesitatingly the educator that inspired them.

After changing to a science major, I took a calculus class from a man named Mr. Edwards. He was a different sort of teacher. He taught that humor was vital to learning, and began the first class with the imperative that the only stupid question was the one you didn't ask. I repeat that phrase to all my students and always will.

Many of his methods were unorthodox. In one class he recommended that students not purchase the text as he had written his own workbook. This was significant to my learning, but what I took most from him was a sense of confidence in my own math abilities. As I said, I was always good at math, but I left his classes knowing I could be really good at math. After that I was hooked. This change in attitude was a revelation for me, and I knew I was not unique. I knew any kid could love math, all they needed was to be convinced of their ability. I felt this was a key to my future career and to being a revolutionary math teacher.

When I say that I want to be a revolutionary math teacher, I speak not of introducing groundbreaking techniques or pedagogy, worthy pursuits though they are. Rather, I refer to the internal revolution that begins in a child the instant they start to realize their own potential.

I have applied this attitude countless times since then. I profess my beliefs to my students, friends, family, and any who will listen, and as enthusiasm is infectious, I watch it catch on. I see students change from being rote, mechanical thinkers, to critical and creative mathematicians.

Upon my matriculation into graduate school I will have acted as a teachers assistant in a low income high school for 18 months. This school has a large proportion of underprivileged ethnic minorities. I asked specifically for this assignment, knowing that I wanted to work in such an area with so much potential to reap the benefits of my idealism. Realistically, I do not wish to waste my time nor my students time preparing for a career, only to discover that my confidence was misplaced. Low income schools are notoriously more difficult than others, and it was essential that I know that I could handle the challenge and maintain my desire. I was auspiciously surprised by my experience; finding that I not only could handle the situation with esteem, but further that I loved the experience.
It is a sad fact that the learning environment of many children of lower income is of poorer quality. Unfortunately, the children's self esteem, including their scholastic esteem also suffer the consequences of their inferior education. These children truly need convincing of the merits of their potential; more so than many others who do not contend with the economic disparities they endure. It is for this reason I look forward to practicing my career in areas of high economic need.

I am passionate about education, with a fervor and zeal that borders on religious. The analogy of education as religion is not far off in my opinion.

Education is the great equalizer.

There are few problems that it cannot solve, few wrongs it cannot right, and no limits to it's power. Knowledge is attainable by all, and all that is asked in return is hard work and perseverance.

Beyond this it is the privilege and responsibility of all to maintain the pursuit, and I do not hold myself exempt from this directive. At the time of this writing I have completed 17 college math courses. 15 of these were advanced, and 6 were calculus. By graduation I will have taken a total of 23 college mathematics courses. I feel I have attained content knowledge sufficient to teach at the high school level.

Even so I know that I have not yet scratched the surface. I plan to continue my own learning and hope to one day attain a Masters degree or possibly Ph.D in mathematics.

I am thrilled at the level of education I have reached which enables me to speak with a measure of authority in matters of math, and I am anxious to begin working in my chosen field. I hope I can do so in the NYC Teaching fellows program.

I met Huey Lewis

he came in to the Rialto, I spotted him and told my friend, who didn't believe me, but went up to him anyway. I shook his hand and told him that "if this is it" was one of the first songs I ever remembered loving and I still loved it. He was tripping on the fact that you could smoke indoors. I told him he should go to Mary's. WOO HOO!!!!

My Essay Part Deux

Although I am only 30 I am a bit older than many graduate students. I did not begin full time school at the age of 26, so I have had a little more time to ponder what I want to do with my life.

I spent several years hoping to be a doctor, a pilot, a lawyer, and an astronaut (I still sort of want to do that), and on each new career path I was sure. Some I pursued more actively than others, and obstacles often discouraged me. I admit that a sense of aptitude for teaching, specifically for teaching mathematics did not arrive all at once. This sense has grown gradually since settling on this career choice, and everything has fallen into place.

As a teenager I did my share of babysitting, so I spent a fair amount of time with kids. Later, I was a swim instructor and camp counselor. Though I was not mature enough to recognize it at the time, I was very fulfilled by these experiences. Despite this, I never considered teaching as a career.

I love mathematics.

This was not always so, however.

I was always good at math. I was in advanced math classes from middle school , I completed high school calculus, and I also took the required college math for a liberal arts degree. And still the love was not there.

Those who choose to teach identify unhesitatingly the educator that inspired them.

After settling on a science major, I took a calculus class from a man named Mr. Edwards. He was a different sort of teacher. He taught that humor was vital to learning, and began the first class with the imperative that the only stupid question was the one you didn't ask. I repeat that phrase to all my students and always will.

Many of his methods were unorthodox (in one class he recommended that students not purchase the text; he had written his own workbook), and this was significant to my learning. What I took most from him, though, was a sense of confidence in my own math abilities. As I said, I was always good at math, but I left his classes knowing I could bereally good at math. After that I was hooked. This change in attitude was a revelation for me, and I knew I was not unique. I knew any kid could love math, all they needed was convincing that they could do it. I felt this was a key to my future career and to being a revolutionary math teacher.

When I say that I want to be a revolutionary math teacher, I speak not of introducing groundbreaking techniques or pedagogy. Rather, I refer to the internal revolution that begins in a child the instant they start to realize their own potential.

I have applied this attitude countless times since then. I profess my beliefs to my students, friends, family, and any who will listen, and as enthusiasm is infectious, I watch it catch on. I see students change from being rote, mechanical thinkers, to critical and creative mathematicians.

Upon my matriculation into graduate school I will have acted as a teachers assistant in a low income high school with a large proportion of underprivileged ethnic minorities. I asked specifically for this assignment, knowing that I wanted to work in such an area with so much potential to reap the benefits of my idealism. Realistically, I do not wish to waste my time nor my students time preparing for a career, only to discover that my own career confidence was misplaced. Low income schools are notoriously more difficult than others, and it was essential that I know that I could handle the challenge and maintain my desire. I was auspiciously surprised by my experience; finding that I not only could handle the situation with esteem, but further that I loved the experience.
It is a sad fact that many children of lower income often receive poor quality education It is not just the degree of education that suffers. The children's self esteem, including their scholastic esteem also suffer the consequences of their lackluster education. These children truly need convincing of the merits of their potential; more so than many others who need not contend with the economic disparities that these children endure.

Upon my matriculation into graduate school I will have acted as a teachers assistant in a low income high school for 18 months. This school has a large proportion of underprivileged ethnic minorities. I asked specifically for this assignment, knowing that I wanted to work in such an area with so much potential to reap the benefits of my idealism. However, I do not wish to waste the students nor my time preparing for a career, only to find my confidence was misplaced. After all, low income schools are notoriously more difficult than others, and it was essential that I know that I could handle the challenge and maintain my desire. I was auspiciously surprised by my experience; finding that I not only could handle the situation with esteem, but further that I loved the experience.

It is a sad fact that children of lower income often receive poor quality education, but it is not just the quality of education that is inferior. The children's self esteem, including their scholastic esteem suffers the consequences. I feel it is none that needs convincing of their potential more than they, more so than many others who need not contend with the economic disparities that these children endure, and I tremendously enjoy being able to provide it.

I am passionate about education, with a fervor and zeal that borders on religious. The analogy is not far off in my opinion.

Education is the great equalizer.

There are few problems that it cannot solve, few wrongs it cannot right, and no limits to it's power. Knowledge is attainable by all, and all that is asked in return is hard work and perseverance.

Beyond this it is the privilege and responsibility of all to maintain the pursuit indefinitely, and I do not hold myself exempt from this directive. At the time of this writing I have completed 17 college math courses. 15 of these were advanced, and 6 were calculus. By graduation I will have taken a total of 23 college mathematics courses. I feel I have attained content knowledge sufficient to teach at the high school level.

Even so I know that I have not yet scratched the surface. I plan to continue my own learning and hope to one day attain a Masters degree or possibly Ph.D in mathematics.

I am thrilled at the level of education I have reached which enables me to speak with a measure of authority in regards of math, and I am anxious to begin working in my chosen field. I hope I

My Essay

Please provide a personal statement of 500 to 1,000 words that addresses ALL of the following questions:

1.	Why do you want to become a teacher?
2.	The most important responsibility of a teacher is to ensure high academic achievement for all students. Describe a skill or ability that you have that will help you reach this goal. Provide an example of how you have effectively used this skill or ability in the past.
3.	Nearly all Fellows work in 'high-need schools' located in low-income communities. Specifically, why do you want to teach in a high-need school?

Although I am only 30 I am a bit older than many graduate students. I began full time school at the age of 26, so I have had more time to ponder what I want to do with my life.

I spent several years hoping to be a doctor, a pilot, a lawyer, and an astronaut (I still sort of want to do that), and on each new career path I was sure. Some I pursued more actively than others, and obstacles often discouraged me. I admit that a sense of aptitude for teaching, specifically for teaching mathematics did not arrive all at once. This sense has grown gradually since settling on this career choice and everything has fallen into place.

As a teenager I did my share of babysitting, so I spent a fair amount of time with kids. Later, I was a swim instructor and camp counselor. Though I was not mature enough to recognize it at the time, I was very fullilled by these experiences. Despite this, I never considered teaching as a career.

I love mathematics.

This was not always so, however.

I was always good at math. I was in the advanced math classes from middle school on , I completed highschool calculus, and I also took the required college math for a liberal arts degree. And still the love was not there.

I think that those who choose to teach identify unhesitatingly the educator that inspired them.

After settling on a science major, I took a calculus class from a man named Mr. Edwards. He was a different sort of teacher. He taught that humor was vital to learning, and began the first class with the imperative that the only stupid question was the one you didn't ask. I repeat that phrase to all my students and always will.

Many of his methods were unorthodox (in one class he recommended that students not purchase the text; he had written his own workbook), and this was significant to my learning. What I took most from him, though, was a sense of confidence in my own math abilities. As I said, I was always good at math, but I left his classes knowing I could bereally good at math. This change in attitude was a revelation for me, and I knew I was not unique. I knew any kid could be good at math, all they needed was convincing. I felt this was the key to my future career and to being a revolutionary math teacher.

When I say that I want to be a revolutionary math teacher, I speak not of introducting groundbreaking techniques or pedagogy. Rather, I refer to the internal revolution that begins in a child the instant they start to realize their own potential.

I have applied this attitude countless times since then. I profess this belief to my students, friends, family, and any who will listen, and as enthusiasm is infectous, I watch it catch on. I see students change from being rote, mechanical thinkers, to critical and creative mathematicians.

At the time i finally matriculate into graduate school I will have acted as a teachers assistant in a low income highschool with a high proportion of ethnic minorities. I asked specifically for this assigment. I knew that I wanted to work in such an area because of my own idealism. However, I did not want to waste mine or students time preparing for a career, only to find my confidence was misplaced. After all, low income schools are notoriously more difficult than others, and I needed to know that I could handle it. I was doubly surprised by my experience, as I found that not only could I handle it, I also loved it.

It is no secret that children of lower income often receive lower quality education, but it is not just the quality of education that suffers. It is also the children's self esteem, including their scholastic esteem. I feel it is none that needs convincing of their potential more than they.

I am passionate about education, with a fervor and zeal that borders on religious. The analogy is not far off in my opinion.

Education is the great equalizer.

There are few problems that it cannot solve, few wrongs it cannot right, and no limits to it's power. Knowledge is attainable by all, and all that is asked in return is hard work and perserverance.

Beyond this it is the privelage and responsibility of all to maintain the pursuit for life and I do not hold myslef exempt myself from this directive. At the time of this writing I have completed 17 college math courses. 15 of these were advanced, and 6 were calculus. By graduation I will have taken a total of 23 college mathematics courses. I feel I have attained content knowledge sufficient to teach at the highschool level.

Even so I know that I have not yet scratched the surface. I plan to continue my own learning indefinitely and hope to attain a Masters degree or possibly Ph.d in mathematics before the end of my career.

I am thrilled that I have achieved a level of education to speak with authority in some matters of math, and I am anxious to begin working in my chosen field. I hope I can do so in the NYC Teaching fellows program

FYI

firstly, let me inform you all how hard it is to take a picture of your own ass. but you all asked for it, so there it is, my new profile pic. Now let's talk about my vacation (fantastic!). I have been doing a lot of drinking and ALOT of smoking. I'm not so bummed about the drinking but the smoking needs to end. my punishment is no partying tonight. I have to work tomorrow anyways so it'll be good for me. I'm going to clean my apartment and do some drawring.I still have 3 weeks of vacation left so anyone who wants to hang out call me!!!!!!

Well I guess it would be nice

I had to write journals for my capstone. I have never been a diary kind of girl, but this journaling actually helped a bit. So I'm going to try blogging as a sort of journal and we'll see how it goes. I am a pessimist. I think everything bad is going to happen before it actually does. The proverbial other shoe, if you will. It's gotten so bad that I stopped believing in anything for a while. I guess you could say I was a bit depressed, but I don't actually believe in depression, so we'll call it anxiety or worry or melancholy, cause it was a bit of all three. Some of you know that I've been involved with this boy for a bit now, and we're not together, but we do talk regularly. I really liked him, and I just seemed to see the whole thing run into the ground before my very eyes, and the worst part is I couldn't seem to do anything to stop it. Now some of my friends think that he's a jerk and they blame him for what went wrong, and that's probably half true, but there's a part of the story that they just don't know. I had so little faith in him from the very beginning that it's no wonder things happened the way they did. This blog is not going to be entirely about my boy problems, but that is a big part of what has been going wrong lately, so bare with me. Yah, I had very little faith in him. The second week we were seeing each other I actually accused him of getting a blowjob in the bathroom at the Sandy hut while I was there with him. Granted I was drunk and I was quite mortified about it the next day, but it was fucking ridiculous just the same. I was always worried something bad was going to happen, and I do mean always. After I worried it into the ground and only saw the worst in every situation, I started to realize my cynicism was not limited to him. I had pretty much lost faith in everything and everyone, including myself and the universe. Now that's fine if that's your bag, but it's not mine. That is absolutely not what I think. I think people are good and love is real and some things do have a happy ending. I had been agonizing for a while in my mind as to the source of my troubles, I truly did not know what was wrong with me. I tried different external solutions till I happened upon a theory. It actually came from that movie Constantine (which rules), where Keanu was talking to Gabriel about why he was going to hell. He insists that he believes and she tells him that he doesn't believe, he knows, and there's a difference. After paying attention to my thought process for a while I realized that this was exactly my problem. My actions and thought processes were completely negative and I was singularly concerned with avoiding any possible wrongs that could be done to me by anyone I came in contact with. Call it existential hypochondria. My point is I'm trying this new thing where I believe what I know and have faith in the future. It's been a slow start, but I am already seeing results. For one, my anxiety is a lot less. See, a couple dudes I dated a long time ago fucked me up pretty bad, and now I just feel like I am completely disfunctional. My friend suggested I talk to someone, like a therapist, and honestly I am more open to that than I have ever been in the past. Only there's a hitch. As many of you also know, I believe pretty strongly that I am psychic. Moreover, it is a very big part of my life. So there is no way that I could discuss what is going on in my life without mentioning that, and I am afraid a shrink wouldn't be open to that sort of thing. In that arena if any of you have any suggestions I'd appreciate it. If I had to guess, though, I suspect I'll probably get through it all right on my own. The problem with funks, if you ask me, is not just the funk itself, but that you forget you ever felt different. Truth be told, remembering who I was when I didn't feel like this was actually almost as theraputic as anything. Actually, you all would be amazed to know the depths of the neuroses that are Amber. It boggles. and Thats all i have to say about that.

I got 99 problems but a man aint one

I actually only have 2 problems, but a dude still aint one. Problem1: I am sick. And I don't know why. I don't have a cold, a little lung phlegm, though, but I have a pretty high fever. Pretty colors, though! Problem 2: You know that show Reba, on the WB with Reba McEntyre? I like it. I think it's really funny. I'm just not normal.

Insight

I was talking on the phone for a while with a friend who is quite excited that I am single because he is convinced that he is now 'in there' . I like him well enough, have dated him in the past, and I definitely find him attractive. The only problem is he has a girlfriend. He doesn't understand why on earth this should stop me.. While we were discussing it I was trying to explain my position on the subject to his satisfaction. It's not that I didn't want to, you see, and I felt that if I were going to appease him I would have to make that clear. To the contrary, a bit of booze and a late night and I've no doubt something would happen. We then briefly discussed the notion of threesomes. I would like to make a disclaimer that as much as I think these explorations are interesting, they are rarely productive when done in a relationship. I am not in a relationship. I feel a bit freer and less guilty these days and am mulling over my options for 'exploration' in general. I've tossed around the idea along with a few others, things that I haven't done yet. I haven't come to any definite conclusions yet. The 'tag team' style threesome is by far the preferred in my mind, twice the attention, right? To be frank, the only thing that stands between me and the simultaneous love of 2 men is I don't think I could find anyone who would keep their mouth shut to do it with. I think dudes talk more than bitches sometimes. (i'm also frightened of double penny). The two girl, one guy threesome is a bit trickier. I figure If I want one I should be willing to do the other, kind of like my philosophy regarding oral sex. Now first off, I have NO interest in girls, at least below the waist. Boobs are great, everyone likes boobs, but the Va J-J FRIGHTENS ME. So that is a bit of a barrier. Mostly, though, I'm very possessive. I just don't think that if I had even the smallest smidge of feelings for the man involved there is any way I could stand to watch him be with another girl. Keep in mind I am being so open with this subject to you, dear readers, because I really don't see any of this actually happening. I think it's an interesting discussion, though, and I have a point, which I am approaching.
I am very sensitive to cheating. I usually blame it on walking in on my boyfriend with another girl when I was 18 (no blankets), but I don't know. All I know is, somewhere along the way I started taking cheating much more personally than most people do. So the reason I really try extra hard to avoid guys with girlfriends, why I think it would be hard for me to do a two girl threesome, is because of my infideli-phobia (I just made that up).
So my point is, ladies and gentleman, I figured out why I stayed in a relationship that I thought made me unhappy for such a very, very long time.
Because I wasn't unhappy. I was bored, but completely comfortable, safe, and secure in the knowledge that he would never, ever cheat on me. That's not nothing.

Celebrity

So I want to voice my take on something that has been bothering me for a while. Before I go on I would like to preface my statements with the fact that I am an intelligent educated woman. I say this because I am about to talk about celebrity gossip. And I'm not going to bash it, per se. So my main issue is with the whole Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie thing. First and foremost, in the jen vs. ang argument I am firmly and squarely in the Jen camp. I was a huge Friends fan (and I'm tired of defending it, i think the writing was genius) and I really think Jennifer Aniston was americas sweetheart. She has also proven that their is a potential for depth waiting to be explored, and I can't wait. The thing is this, I am tired of people viewing her in relation to brad and ang. They divorced quite a while ago, they both have moved on, and she has a bright future ahead of her. With the birth of the Jolie-Pitt spawn, one of the first things the reporters did was ask Jen her feelings about it. Also, the fact that she was possibly cheated on and left for angelina jolie really has nothing to do with ang, but especially nothing to do with Jen. In the end, they just weren't right for each other. And the possibility that Brad and Ang were involved pre-seperation is also not Jens fault. It would be partially Ang's fault, but mostly, the real scumbag would be Brad. Apparantly with the pretty face comes forgiveness. It was pretty funny when Micheal Douglas said brad was fool for leaving jen for ang, though. And another thing, i'm tired of hating brad and ang for being an illicit couple. I don't approve of the way they got together, but I'd like to get over it already. I can think of a few famous couples we all know who met while both were involved with other people, like Johnny and June, and Paul and Joanne (newman). And they were some of the classic famous couples. If Brad and Ang make it, they make it, and we'll all have to stop viewing their union as so unnatural. You know you think about it so fuck you for judging me. And that's all I have to say about that.

Lifehacker

The term, obviously stems from the computer practice of accessing  restricted sites by illicit  means and conducting generally illegal  computer activities. It was then extended to other electronics, such as cell phones, tivo, and most prominently, video game systems. In this context it refers to not so much illegal activities, but modifications (or mods, as is often used interchangeably with hack) allowing said equipment to function in ways other than designed by the manufacturer. The term lifehack is similar. For me, however, it is not so much a word as it is a website. www.lifehacker.com to be specific, in the gawker media family (which includes defamer, an LA gossip website which one of my faves, if only because it decodes ted casblancas "blind vice" column). Anyway the lifehacker site is one i recommend everyone check out, as it is my first stop for all things tech (and non tech, but mostly tech) I have found a lot on the site, including software, computer tricks, backup utilities, scripts, etc. The reason I bring this up is not just to profess my undying love for that website, but to share with you all my own personal lifehack: the pilates ball office chair. I noticed several months ago that one of the girls in the office at my work was using one and was intrigued. I sat in it briefly and it felt awesome on the back, but I didn't think anything more of it. Then I read the portland tribune today and there was an article about a teacher at skyline elementary in SW portland who had supplied his entire 4th grade class with pilates balls instead of traditional chairs. The children have dubbed the chairs "comfortaballs" and indeed they are. The benefits are greater than that, though. It promotes balance, core strength, and also clarity and focus. Well, I am a real DIY kinda girl (being from portland and all) and I was already on my way to Fred Meyer, so I decided then and there that I would be a comfortaball convert. There's probably a fortune in this somewhere, alas I will not be making it. So anyway, I went to fred meyer to their meager sporting goods section (it was the one on Hawthorne) and low and be hold, Pilates balls, $12.99, with pump. My lower back has never felt so good, and after only 1 day. Now run off and get yourself a comfortaball kiddies.

Drunken Bulletin

dammit it was supposed to be a blog!!!

i'd like to enlist your help, my myspace brethren. As i may or may not have revealed to you on a personal basis, I am psychic. It revealed itself in a direct fashion seven or eight years ago, but has since proven to be either very accurate, somewhat vague, or totally incorrect. During the very accurate times, i have come to rely on it, during the somewhat vague times, i mold it to my current desires, and the totally incorrect times, well, your guess is as good as mine. The problem is, the really accurate times are infallible, to the point of being uncanny. The somewhat vague times feel, in a way, receptive to my interference. The totally incorrect times happen when I'm feeling so vulnerable that my innefectualness (sic?) seems to eradicate my psychic abilities. So, my question is: what do you do when your feeling a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll (read metaphor described above), and the aforementioned psychic abilities promise something you're pretty sure you DONT WANT?

there seems to be a shortage of blogs

so i'll take up the slack. Ahh where to begin, i am just bursting with content. First of all, i am siiiiicccck. I am sicker than i've been in a while and it sucks. I felt it coming on on monday and thought maybe i could avert it by being slothful but alas, no such luck. It lingered in the shadows until thursday when it proceeded to kick my ass while i was working. by the end of the night i was almost delirious. Last night i got my shift covered. and that helped my recovery, i thought, but today no such luck. I bought some dayquil and went to work. I sware the dayquil made me worse. I helped set up, clear and reset till dinner service was over then i cut the fuck out. If I was almost delirious thurs. eve i was tonight when i left. I came home and went right to sleep. That was 9. I woke up at 12 and got on the phone. I shall go back to sleep soon after i do some stuff i have to take care of. In better news, i haven't smoked in 5 days!!! that is 4 days longer than i have gone in 9 years. I don't smoke that much, but it's still a bit deal. Did i already say this in a blog? i feel like i did.

Sick

i am wiping my nose with phone book pages cause i ran out of tp. i have a stuffed up nose and lung butter, even though i haven't smoked in 4 days. I thought that would make the whole thing easier, but i'm still sicker than i've been in a while. I had to get my shift covered tonight even though i really wanted to work. Fuck i hate being sick. I really haven't smoked in 4 days which is 3 more than i've gone in 9 years. Even though i'm only a 1 cig a day smoker 'cept for the weekends (when i smoke considerably than one a day). Really is making it hard for me to feel any difference. Someone bring me some toilet paper, i'm going back to bed.

Barf

I'm a mog- half man, half dog- i'm my own best friend. No really, actually i've done quite a bit of barfing today. And last night. I feel alright now, but i'm still not back to normal. No, i'm not sick, i'm hungover. God i drink too much. what the hell is wrong with me? Well, at least i'm not going out tonight. I wish i had a nintendo. If i did, it would take away from my homework, so i guess not. I need sex. did i say that out loud? anyway talk at ya later.

Fuck I Guess

i haven't blogged in a while and i thought it was about time. Plus i think talking about things is always freeing. So here goes. I was registered for three classes this quarter, but i thought i was going to get a job, and one of my classes was three days a week instead of two, like the other two, so i dropped it. Then i didn't get the job, so i tried to reregister for the class, but it was full, so i ended up the last person on the waitlist of a class i was originally on the roster of (did i dangle, lena?). I attended the first two days hoping to get into the class, and i really liked it. It was discrete math, and it was quite interesting. However, i attended my first meeting of ED 420 today and found out i have a 30 hour practicum to complete to pass the class. Not to mention i picked up another tutor student. The pay is shit and it's a pain in the ass for not much work, but it's worth it. On that note tonight my pupil and i worked on log's, which is a sore subject for most people, quite frankly out of general phobia rather than actual difficulty; they're really quite simple once you get the concept. Anyway, we were working on the addition and subtraction of logs, which translates to a wierd sort of multiplication/division of the constants involved and then taking the log of that quanitity. Her teacher, whom i don't particularly agree with on a lot of teaching methods, taught her a wierd trick wherein you change subtraction to addition with the creative use of parentheses. Now i had never seen this method and it looked wrong to me. In fact it was correct but more of a contrivance than an actual valid process. It totally muddled the subject for my pupil and we spent too much time trying to sort it out. by the end my girl was totally disheartened about logs again, which she had down well a week ago. Bleh. My new pupil is doing a bit better and just wants to ensure an A plus get help for the SAT's which are coming up. I did quite well on the aforementioned so i feel qualified to assist. The moral of the story is it mightn't be likely that i will get added to the math class, and also i don't want to be too overwhelmed. I have a couple more days to decide. I'm also taking advanced calculus, which is more like an intro to proofs and analysis. I believe someone told me we will be proving that 1 +2=3. Today we had to prove that -M<=a<=M from |a|<=M given. It was f'ing hard. Plus whenever i talk in class i always seem to be wrong. Oh well, i'm not embarassed and it helps others to be less so. That fact is the reason that "if i agree with you you're probably wrong" is going to be my new myspace quote. But enough about school. I must say i'm quite happy for a few of my friends who are quite in love or at least on their way there. One in particular whom i have a special connection to has found himself quite a nice lady for a change. She will be good to him and he is stoked to have her, which they both deserve. I am genuinely happy for him and only the littlest bit sad. My love life is not so good, but i am ever the hopeful romantic. JLe you made me remember what it is like to feel like that, and it hasn't happened very many times i don't mind telling you. I've been very confused for a while about a particular man whom i spend a lot of time with. I spend nights with him, weekends, phone time, etc. We used to go out and we get along insanely well. It almost went past friendship last drunken friday night, but some girl said something snotty right before we left and i spent the whole time stewing about it. If you ask Lynne i am not easily angered and can usually let even the tensest situations roll off my back, however this young lady insinuated that i wasn't good for said boy and it really got to me. I didn't say anything, just bitched to the boy, but i was offended. I used to go out with him. We were really bad as bf/gf. I always felt old and irrelevent. That's not the real problem, like i said we get along well and i could overlooked the past to try again. The problem is i still pine for the one that got away, as iladvised as it is. All i will say about him is i definitely didn't feel old and irrelevant. He's not beating down my door anyway so i'll just stay the lonesome loser for a bit longer. On the plus side my new place is fucking fabulous and i am deleriously happy with it. living downtown is the shit. Oh and i bought a new bike that is AMAZING and a digital camera. Hopefully i'll get another tattoo soon. It's going to be of Jupiter on my left shoulder, following the curve of my arm. Kinda having stomach problems. Oh well. Peace.