i am whatever you say i am

I'm really tired of people having opinions about who I am lately. For a while I thought it was because I'm a woman, and I still think thats part of it. I've discovered that the general male attitude deems that we are not allowed to exceed them in any way, at all, whatsoever, at any time. But if we do, then they expect you to apologize for it constantly. In general I find myself apologizing for who I am alot. That would be okay except I'm not really sorry. People like to point out to me alot that I'm loud, bossy, opinionated, whatever, you know the drill. You all know me so its not like its new information. But whenever people, including people I consider my friends, point these things out, they always refer to them as bad things. They further act like they're doing me some favor by being my friend in spite of them. To the point that I feel like I have to apologize. Just once I would like someone to mention some of these things to me and make me feel like its a good thing. I know in theory that my independence and brain are an asset, that my loud voice and extroversion make me a good leader, and that I can be very charming and charismatic. But no body ever actually treats them that way. This is who I am. I like who I am. So why am I so miserable? Oh, I know why, because I'm fat. Honestly I have lost all semblance of a realistic self image, to the point that I don't know what I look like anymore. I think about it all the time. I was at a barbeque today with my physics club buddies and all I could think about all day was how fat I was and how they all noticed it. In between those thoughts I spent some time on 'ha ha, Amber's so loud, ha ha, Amber's a kook, look at her' because those were some of the supposedly good natured jokes that were going around. The shitty part about my obsession with my weight is I don't even know if its true. I have completely lost touch with reality on that one. Most of the time I'm pretty sure I'm huge and gross and fat, but if thats true, I don't deserve it. I eat really healthy, in my opinion. Even my junk food is either natural or burgerville. My only sin is a little pepsi. Not like those 44 oz ers or anything, just a can or small bottle here and there. The reason I bring my self image up is that sometimes when I'm thinking about how fat I am I convince myself that its a pennance I am paying for all the other blessings in my life. Like I'm smart and successful and motivated and sure of my self and all the other things so it wouldn't be fair for me to have a healthy self image on top of that.