i am whatever you say i am

I'm really tired of people having opinions about who I am lately. For a while I thought it was because I'm a woman, and I still think thats part of it. I've discovered that the general male attitude deems that we are not allowed to exceed them in any way, at all, whatsoever, at any time. But if we do, then they expect you to apologize for it constantly. In general I find myself apologizing for who I am alot. That would be okay except I'm not really sorry. People like to point out to me alot that I'm loud, bossy, opinionated, whatever, you know the drill. You all know me so its not like its new information. But whenever people, including people I consider my friends, point these things out, they always refer to them as bad things. They further act like they're doing me some favor by being my friend in spite of them. To the point that I feel like I have to apologize. Just once I would like someone to mention some of these things to me and make me feel like its a good thing. I know in theory that my independence and brain are an asset, that my loud voice and extroversion make me a good leader, and that I can be very charming and charismatic. But no body ever actually treats them that way. This is who I am. I like who I am. So why am I so miserable? Oh, I know why, because I'm fat. Honestly I have lost all semblance of a realistic self image, to the point that I don't know what I look like anymore. I think about it all the time. I was at a barbeque today with my physics club buddies and all I could think about all day was how fat I was and how they all noticed it. In between those thoughts I spent some time on 'ha ha, Amber's so loud, ha ha, Amber's a kook, look at her' because those were some of the supposedly good natured jokes that were going around. The shitty part about my obsession with my weight is I don't even know if its true. I have completely lost touch with reality on that one. Most of the time I'm pretty sure I'm huge and gross and fat, but if thats true, I don't deserve it. I eat really healthy, in my opinion. Even my junk food is either natural or burgerville. My only sin is a little pepsi. Not like those 44 oz ers or anything, just a can or small bottle here and there. The reason I bring my self image up is that sometimes when I'm thinking about how fat I am I convince myself that its a pennance I am paying for all the other blessings in my life. Like I'm smart and successful and motivated and sure of my self and all the other things so it wouldn't be fair for me to have a healthy self image on top of that.

grad school essay: final draft

dating, the final frontier

I really liked the Star Trek movie. Really liked it. Alot. Liked it. A whole really lot. I even got a heavy crush on Zachary Quinto/Spock afterwards. At first it was fun, I was just happy to be having a crush again. The last couple months I have been getting over someone (no, you're not vain, this song is about you). This someone wasn't even really a thing, but it hasn't really been a thing, for like, 5 years. I'll admit I've been harboring the secret hope that it might become something during this time and that has kept me rather off the market. So anyway, I was hyped on my Spock Crush. Then it started to scare me a bit. I was thinking about the guy like he was a real person that I was dating. I don't mean that I had daydreams wherein I imagined Syler/Spock/Zachary and I having a romantic picnic on a mother fucking boat yall or anything that borderline psychotic. I mean I was having little flashes of feeling, like when you sense the vibe of someone you're stoked on. Its just momentary thing, a fleeting flash of their essence on your mind. But I think usually I have this feeling about actual people. On top of all that, I think Zach is gay, but thats not important. So I started to take apart this unrealistic crush. I deconstructed and analyzed it. I have a theory about the way I like boys, that all of my methods are just ways that I can be in love without actually being in a relationship. I started to think that I was addicted to the unattainable, and that scared me. After dwelling on that scenario for a while I decided to opt for a more rosy one. I actually met a boy this weekend. I don't think it'll turn into anything; he's not really my type and I don't think I'm his. Interesting sidenote; I hadn't really thought about what preppie boys would think of my tattoos but I got to test that theory. I'm not quite sure what the results were, but thats another blog. Anyway, I did meet a boy, and though I don't think its a big deal, there was some serious flirting exchanged. So what if the mr. rightnow from this weekend and my unhealthy hard on for a vulcan were kind of like transition flings. I never thought I was one for the freudian school of thought, but every now and then I try to actively aknowledge that the mind is capable of much more than we imagine, lots of which is not in our control. So what if these were my brains newborn fawn steps, the first tentative steps at reaching my heart out on 'safe' targets. I think that makes sense. Now I need to meet a real live boy. There'll be plenty of time for that this summer, what with trips to seattle, the beach, and just anything else the weather permits. And if all else fails I can always pay for it when I go to thailand in september.