my first astronaut

Tuesday I met my first astronaut. I have to thank my E&M professor, Erik Sanchez, for being sick that day, thus allowing me to miss class and attend the lecture of Don Pettit, scientist and astronaut. Dr. Pettit spent 5 1/2 months aboard the space station performing all sorts of experiments and such. The interesting stuff, though, was what he did in his off time. First he showed us his view of the aurora borealis, which was freakin amazing. It was hundreds of miles of green glow. Then he went on to tell about the wacky experiments he came up with to perform in his off time. First, there was the sphere of water. As you know, there is no gravity up there, so liquids exist in spheres. He injected an air bubble into the sphere, then injected water bubbles inside that. The bubbles behaved really strangely. They rolled around the interior surface of the sphere and sometimes bounced from side to side. Every once and a while, though, they would give up some of their mass to be absorbed into the bigger bubble. When they did this, they maintained the same momentum with a much smaller mass, resulting in a much higher velocity, so they would shoot off across the bubble. It's kinda like when an ice skater extends her arms to slow down and retracts them to speed up. Sort of. Next he took another sphere of water and placed an alka seltzer tablet in it. That was kind of hard to describe, but essentially it bubbled and grew till it was almost twice its original size. There was more stuff like that. A gyroscopically balanced flashlight made of three cd players taped together in different directions, turned on to stablize it. You could put it somewhere and it wouldn't move. The most interesting thing, though, was the spiders. Apparently they took spiders into space to see what they'd do. They spun webs, of course, cause bird's gotta fly, spider's gotta spin. The webs turned out like garbage. At first... after a couple days they started to manage just fine, and their webs turned out correctly. Weird. They also took caterpillars to test their cocoons, but Dr. Pettit left before he could see that experiment play out. What I really want to know, though, is how the butterfly would fly. They fly by using their wings against the air to create lift, and they get used to flapping with enough power that the lift overcomes the force of gravity. Well, there's still air in the space shuttle. Would the butterfly attempt one flap and then shoot across the shuttle due to no gravity to weigh it down? That would be something to see. Anyway, I was definitely star struck, and he explained what his take on the process to becoming an astronaut is. First, he said that a military background does help, although its not vital. Negative. Next, he said you had to know your way around a screwdriver. In this environment, if any of your machinery breaks, you have the possibility that you might not be able to perform experiments, maybe you might not be able to survive. So you have to know how to fix stuff. Check. Also, a background in science is vital, preferrably ME, EE, CE, Physics, Chem, and some medical sciences. Advanced degree, check. Also, the best thing he said was that scientist astronauts are generally chosen in their early 40's, due to maturity and experience. AWESOME!!!! Anyway, the good doctor was a big nerd just like me, and I have renewed hope that I may make it up there someday.

Crisis averted

I think I got it figured out. Bear with me, this one is gonna take the scenic route.

So there was this show I used to love called Dharma & Greg. The main character Greg was an uptight OCD attorney, and Dharma was a mellow, free spirited yoga teacher. At one point, Greg decides he doesn't like the fast track he is on and quits the rat race to 'follow his bliss'. Fast forward a few weeks and he is arguing with Dharma about everything. He eventually winds up growing a beard and sitting in a park feeding the birds. Finally, he winds up giving legal advice to the homeless and less fortunate types he meets there. The moral of the story? He discovers that being a lawyer is not just what he does, but what he IS.

I think my main crisis lately has been more a deep seeded fear that I'm not good enough to be a physicist, and not that I'm not sure if I want to.

So for the last week or so I have been going crazy with school stress. Actually its been more like math & physics stress. I have equations swimming in my head day and night, and eventually I get delirious with brain fry. I finished the midterm that was not helping my frying, and had calmed down a bit. I've been working pretty hard this week and my work day has been ending pretty late. Tonight I stopped working at 11. My roommate is taking a math class, and sometimes he asks me for help or just likes to talk about it, and tonight he was doing just that. I tried to follow what he was saying and when I couldn't it started giving me anxiety. I decided then and there I was going to have to impose a personal stop time when I put all numbers and such away completely and don't use that part of my brain for the rest of the night. 20 minutes later, without even realizing it, I was answering other peoples math and physics questions on a homework help website.

Soy como soy.

I think therefore I am. Or something.

If you've spent time around me recently you know that I've been having a bit of an existential crisis lately. At first I thought it was midterms, then I thought it was pms, and it did turn out to be a bit of both those things, but It has lingered. It just hit me how long I've been spending my days doing math and physics problems. Theoretically that will all stop, sort of , after I finally graduate. I have realized that I am not going to be a theoreticist. I think I'm gonna be an experimentalist. I think that my computer business/hobby made me realize that. I really like physics, but I especially like the fancy equipment we use to do physics, like vacuums, microscopes, etc. I kind of like being really needed, the way I am now. Programmers and CE's are alright, but even they still need me. I think that's gonna be my niche. I know it sounds silly, but I have this vision of myself in a spaceship in the future, and I'm the one that keeps all the machines running. I'm so invaluable and no one can do what I do, that's what gets me on the crew in the first place. That's also why they have to accept me, loud and aggressive, tattoos and all. It's sort of a movie in my head. That leads me to my point; the existentialism in my career has lead to some other reevaluation. I am 32, I am as single as it gets. I have no kids, I'm a MS student who won't really get to start my career till I'm 37. I am going to be probably $100,000 in debt (and a Doctor, so i guess it balances). I don't own a house I don't have a retirement, and I don't know where I'm going to school in 2 years. What is my point? Where is this going? That's what I want to know.

i'm losin it.

But it's only temporary. It happens to me once every quarter, usually. Actually it happens to everyone once a quarter, but everyone gets it at different times. Usually for me it's right in the middle of the quarter. Nothing seems to be going right, the pressure starts overwhelming me, I feel not smart enough and then...Crack. I break under the pressure. Tonight in my living room I'm listening to "the Flame" by Cheap Trick, and I just start bawling. At least when I used to crack as an undergrad I was in the math department, and I was an undergrad. I felt like I belonged over there. I have managed to find my niche here in the physics department but it definitely wasn't easy. Physicists are elitists, I mean, after all, we're usually smarter than everyone in the room. That goes to your head after a while. Now I've got the added pressure of being a grad student at a semi-inferior university, not knowing exactly where I want my career to go, all the while thinking I'm a fucking fraud, like I'm not smart enough or dedicated enough or any of the other things you need to be to hack it as a professional scientist. Not just that, but a professional PHYSICIST. You may have seen my myspace quote, but I'll tell you a little more about it: this man, Ernest Rutherford, was a physicist, but somehow, some way, he managed to win the nobel prize in CHEMISTRY. Well needless to say he was not happy about it, and apparently responded with the quote "In science there is only physics. All the rest is stamp collecting". What the fuck have I gotten myself into. Oh, and on top of everything, today one of my advisors let me know that if I wanted to get things done I need to be less loud, less aggressive. Hey by the way, could you please be a little less YOU. I would like to point out that he is from an eastern block country. Also, as another female scientist pointed out to me, he would never say that to me if I were a man.

Time to go put humpty dumpty back together again.