who needs a conscience anyway or lamentations of pinocchio

Good news... I have one. A conscience that is. I was worried about myself for a while. You know i have an obsessive sense of integrity, but I think thats only because i was afeard of consequences. I'm no fool. I know about karma and Newtons first law and everything. I usually do the right thing, but my hearts not really into it. There is hope however. The other day my niece was over who i like alright, although she can be annoying,(she climbs allover me all the time-she's 9). Well she made a quck move towards me as i was turning with my laptop in my hand and....CLOCK! right in the nose. She cried really hard and got a bloody nose. I felt so terrible. Even though it was an accident and she said she knew i didn't mean to do it. That didn't matter, i felt like shit. yes japetto, i'm a real boy.

42

Some one, whom i didn't get along with recommended something to me and i was dead set against it, but it has been creeping up on me lately and now i think it may be just the ticket (i'm a big believer in fate). See, those of you who know me know that i'm quite the brainiac, loving science and math and what not. I was planning on getting my bachelors in physics, since it is ultimately the most interesting endeavor i can possibly think of. That being the case i would only have to take math up to differential equations and vector calculus, which i am in right now. The problem is, i don't think these pursuits would remotely prepare me for the level of study i want to participate in. So i have been debating switching my major to math. I found out i am much closer to a bachelors in math, and my mom says she thinks it is much more useful in the job market. Now, back to what that person recommended. I am very frightened of getting out of school and having 30 or 40k in student loan debt. I am well aware that there are certain areas of employment that are considered public services by the us government and are associated with fairly generous loan forgiveness programs. While it is not just that simple, it is a good way to go. So why not get a bachelors in math, and then enter the graduate teacher program, to teach highschool math, which is only a year and doesn't require any of those child development or psychology classes. I could then continue my schooling on the side and still, eventually pursue my masters and then PhD in Quantum Physics wherein i would be a college professor and also participate in academic research. So theres that. On the other hand i want to be a part of the space program and i don't want to be over the hill by the time i'm qualified. Being a high school teacher would be cool, though.

recap

so thanks to jeff for hanging out and watching the beginning of chicago with ne. It's the second time this weekend i've watched it. He had it coming, he had it comin...you know the words. thanks to Dan for being a humanitarian. Thanks to lynn for goin halfs on the cab with me. Thanks to lea for coming out after a long and unnecessary absence. Thanks to the sandy hut for getting me fucked up yet again. Anyway i have a contact lens appointment on wednesday so i can finally stop wearing glasses again. I actually got hit on last night which hasn't happened in a while, despite how cute i think i am. I used get hit on a lot but i was much sluttier then. and fuck off to all the people who made fun of my led zeppelin shirt

Waxing Philosophical

you wouldn't know it to hang out with me but i'm a closet idealist. This applies to my country, my body, my education, and my integrity. Beware the next sentence sounds excruciatingly cheesy. I started on a journey of self improvement several years ago, focusing mainly on my karma. I have been relentless in the pressure i put on myself, largely because I felt for a long time nothing was happening. My behavior and choices weren't changing and i was seeing no results. After about seven years i have reached a level of confidence in the fact that i actually am noticeably much more mature. Again, to those who know me this may not seem obvious, but maturity is not always obvious. I don't consider myself an expert, but there are certain people in my life who i sort of feel like are my protege's in this arena. Lately i have been having the feeling that nothing is happening with my main protege, and i have been kept up nights with frustration. On the other hand, i cant give up. Tonight i was watching the west wing, which i love, and martin sheen quoted some german philosopher who said that politics "Is the boring by hand through hard boards and anyone who participates risks his soul" My first reaction was to get discouraged because i remembered what everyone knows which is that change is very very slow. On the other hand, i felt better because i know that anything that takes that long and requires that much hard work won't fall apart. It's solid stuff.

shibari, or "at the end of my rope"

I usually only read the missed connections on craigslist (i'm obsessed with them) but out of boredom and the desire to calm myself down i read some of the cheap sex posts. People mentioned being into "shibari" so i looked it up to see what it was. it's japanese style shiatsu bondage. It's actually quite interesting and fairly artistic to look at, though not really my bag.

the point is

That's how i feel right now, at the end of my rope.

As most of you know i live with my sister. We live in a duplex next to this couple with two young kids. They're indie, like the rest of us, tattoos and band tshirts and what not. The thing is when we first moved in they came over like five times to tell us that we were too loud and to blame us for waking their kid up. Maybe i'm cynical but i learned a long time ago that the world is not fair. If the young couple with kids want to tell on us the landlord is undoubtedly gonna believe them. Now my sister and i were not getting along when we first moved in and we were fighting, for which i apologize. However, we were not trying to make their lives harder, we were having a hard time ourselves. Anyway, we got over it and after a few more weeks we figured out that the kid cries ALL THE TIME!!! During the day, at night, for no good reason. Not only does the kid cry, but she doesn't stop crying. She cries for like a half hour at a time with no break. They have been planning on moving out since we moved in so we have been trying to bide our time till they do and everything will be OK. I just found out yesterday that they are breaking up, moving to different places. Now i'm really scared because they are probably two really unhappy people right now. They hate the landlord and they hate us and they probably hate the world, and that's understandable cause they are going through hard times. That makes them dangerous cause they have nothing to lose. If they want to trash us to the landlord on their way out there would be nothing to stop them. I have been screwed alot in my life. I tend to get the shaft for no good reason other than to teach me that life is hard. So even though i know it is not our fault, i don't have a lot of faith in that fact saving us in any way. We did fight tonight and we shouldn't have. Half the fucking reason we are fighting is because i don't think my sister is being cautious enough in tiptoeing around them. Also her friend always stays the night. Boyfriends are one thing, that is just part of the roommate package. I am really sick of her fucking couch house guest, though. I'm also really gunshy after the golfcourse incident. I am at the end of my rope, to restate. The upside is martin is coming probably next weekend. I didn't think i was that interested in him anymore, but i am really excited.

My Apologies

to anyone i may have insulted or inconvenienced by my melodramatic drunken ways last night. I did whatever i did in the chivalrous spirit. The person whom i extracted from her situation inflagrante will please know that i did it out of love and forgive me. My ex who left me to move to seattle and distill for Rogue is leaving his job and coming back to Portland, and he will be staying with me. For a month or so. I don't know where exactly we are in our relationship, but the only reason we broke up was because he moved. I don't know what kind of kink this is going to put in my lovelife, but I really want to help him out. He is a great guy

Nothin to Say

I'm going to bed early tonight cause i've got a long day tomorrow. Two shifts at the golf course, but hey, i need the money. I'm going out tomorrow but i might not be out saturday. I've got a function out in Gresham i've got to go to. maybe i'll make up for it by going out Sunday night. Or any night next week. Now that i'm out of school i am a free woman. i have to make a hun fifty or so this weekend but after that my money is pretty much free too. Whos comin with me...

A new phase

So finals are on tuesday and if all goes well i'll be footloose and fancy free in a few short days. As i said in an earlier blog i am not going to school this summer for the aforementioned reasons. I'm in a new house, have a steady income and i am in general feeling optimistic about my life. The love life issue is still the same, but thats my fault. I keep going back. I went to new seasons tonight and bought some goat cheese and a baguette and made myself a tasty fruit and cheese plate. I am quite stoked that i live so close to that badass store. I have several projects on m plate for the free time around the summer, stuff around the house and whatnot. I thought i had more to say, but i cant talk about what i want to so i guess i'll sign off.