Crazy is as crazy does

Recently it has come to my attention that someone I know is batshit crazy. I've known him for most of my life (he's a friend of my brothers) and always considered him more family than anything else. We tend to have rose colored vision when it comes to family. We never recognize negative traits when they're attached to people we love, and our particular brand of quirk is special, exempted from the rules that apply to most peoples lunacy. This is to be expected, and we'd probably never get through life otherwise. So this friend is very close to me. We have had our disagreements from time to time, but thats also to be expected, and as much as I sometimes questioned his decisions, I have never questioned his mental stability. I got a call from another mutual friend this week, and they wanted to discuss his latest escapades. I made minor small talk for a minute and she said "So are we going to talk about whats going on with --?" I was in the dark, oblivious if you will. Then she filled me in on some details in a year long drama that I was previously blind to. I'm kinda caught up in my work these days, as you may or may not have noticed (not offended if you didn't, after all, I wouldn't) so the hints and signs that had everyone else in our world up in arms completely escaped me. I can't tell you what is going on because it would get the rest of my family in trouble, but believe me when I tell you he is off his rocker. Lost the plot. Gonzo. Why in the world am I telling you all this? Other than the tiniest tidbit of gossip, what the hell do you care? 

Because it relates to me.

When I encounter people like this, who are decidedly short of sense, I am usually last one to suspect something may be amiss. I usually take people at their word (except men, but thats a different story) and don't question when they tell me crazy stories. It usually takes a third party to shed light on the issues. But when I finally do grasp the gravity of the situation, it makes me reevaluate my entire belief system. My thought process goes like this: 1. Who the hell are you to judge, look at the nutso crap you believe. 2. Are we sure they're not just misunderstood? 3. They are definitely crazy, so you probably are too, after all, you like them.

Low end android tablets- Proceed at Your Own Risk!!!

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Last week while I was sick I got all fired up to buy an android tablet.  At first I was just bored but then I liked the idea of having an ebook reader and I think I may migrate to that after I test it to see if I like it. So I started shopping. I have an ebay credit line I use for parts for the various repairs I do, most parts are cheap and I don't carry a balance on it, its just nice when people drop stuff off to not have to tell them "can't fix it for a week til I can buy the part".  Plus its easy for me to justify electronics purchases to myself. Heck even my Dad understood, and he's the cheapest man alive. What I told him was that my overhead on electronics is virtually nothing. I take in far more devices than I use and what I don't need I sell or harvest parts from to fix other devices. I have 5 laptops in my living room right now. In addition to my many duties as the family computer repair technician, people also consult me for purchases. I don't think twice about it anymore, but it is kind of amazing how much people trust me to spend a few hundred of their dollars on electronics. So I think it was time I jumped in to the android tablet market. Now, I know what you're thinking: 'what about the Ipad?' The ipad is high quality, reliable, and works the same as a mac or iphone. If you want one, buy one. You don't need my approval to know it will work or help to figure out how to use it.  And I don't wan't one. $500 bucks? NO way.

So last week I bought an android tablet, an Archos 7 V1 Home tablet for $150. I have already sold it. It was running android 1.6 (froyo, the current release, is 2.2) and it had Archos' propriety app market, not the regular one we all know and use.  No problem, I rooted it and got the market, but then no Kindle, no Nook, and no Flash Player. So I installed a custom rom. No custom ROM past 1.6 either.  Now I admit this was my own fault because the retail markets are all selling V2 of  this tablet which can be updated to 2.1 (and may run flash) but I bought mine on ebay in pursuit of a good deal without knowing this was the older version.  I played with it for a week and then sold it on Craigslist for what I paid for it (I told you my overhead on electronics is 0).

I am presently waiting for the velocity cruz t103, which is running 2.1, but I think I'll be returning (0r selling) that one as well before I even receive it after reading and learning all there is to know of these devices. So let me tell you what I have learned and what to look for.

First of all, if you think you can wait 6 months before buying one DO! The market is so chaotic now for many, many reasons and it will take time to settle into something managable for the average user.

Now that I have situated all the information in my mind I must say I'm amazed at what a mess this field is. Maybe its just the first time I've been an early adopter of a new technology but I'm amazed at all the BS you have to wade through.

Price: $100-$300

All the models on the market except for a VERY few are priced squarely in this range, with most around $200. What is so shocking about the price is that there seems to be no correlation with quality. Take the Velocity I just purchased, an amazing little unit that is well made but built on a fairly rare processor architecture for which there appears to be little support (more on that later).

Touch Screen:

I know this seems like a fairly esoteric feature, but most people are currently used to the capacitive touch screen of their smart phone, which seems to be what the Ipad has. Android tablets seem to have almost exclusively touchscreens of the resistive variety. The best way to explain the difference is finger touch vs. anytouch. Iphones, pda's, and ipads with the capacitive touchscreen only respond to  finger touch, where as resistive ones register any touch. A few capacitive touch screen android tablets exist, but, again, that doesn't seem to affect the price much.

Android Version:

Don't buy one running less than 2.1, with one exception (covered in community support). Why do you care what version its running? Because many apps won't support older ones (think angry birds) and especially Adobe Flash Player, which means NO YOUTUBE.

Processor:

There are 3 major processors right now: cortex A8, Telechips-xx-, and Rockchip-xx-. Unless you can affor a tablet with a high end Tegra processor (Xoom, Galaxy Tab) DO NOT BUY A TABLET WITH ANY OTHER PROCESSOR. The reason for this is surprising....

Community Support:

The reason I recommend those processors is there are many tablets made based on them and so the MOD community is large and you will likely have OS updates before they come out and even after the manufacturer stops making them. Also, if they come with weird proprietary apps or even no ANDROID Market (which is VERY common) there are usually hacks to get it. Two glaring examples come to mind. When I was first making my purchase I instantly ruled out the myriad of seemingly generic 'chi-pad' or Ipad knock offs because I assumed they would be of inferior quality simply because of the price and because very few of them listed actual brand names. Well it turns out there are actual brand names, you just have to know what you're looking for and be able to recognize them by sight. Instead of my Archos I probably would have been much better off with one of these since so many people have purchased them and the homebrew community is massive. The website slatedroid.com seems to be the hub of all things andro-tab, and it was there I was able to narrow the field simply by looking at the size of the forum for each device and whether there were dedicated forums to custom ROM's (a ROM Is a homebrew OS version with special features and built in ROOT access). Another example of why community support is important is the one I just purchased, the Cruz. For $218 at I bought what appeared to me to be one of the better made tablets on the market. I paid more this time to test a capacitive touch screen and because it was running 2.1. Turns out that instead of an ARM processor (don't worry about what that means) this device has a MIPS based core, which if you remember the hullabaloo when apple changed to Intel processors you get an idea what a big difference processor architecture makes. Turns out this cpu is superior but rare, and the community support is so low that rooting is almost impossible (which is unheard of ) combine this with that fact that manufacturer support is atrocious and I have a brick coming in the mail.

Manufacturer support:

This one is tough to gauge. Basically you just have to troll the forums and see what posters are saying about them.

So which tablets do I recommend? NONE.

Unless you can afford the overpriced Galaxy Tab (which I'm not sure is any better than these, btw) I would wait 6 months to a year.

If you have to buy one try:

Nationite Midnite  - which only seems to be available from 1 site, Mp4Nation . com $199

Apad Imx515 $250 which is a dead ringer for the Ipad

Smartq V7 $250 I may by this one just for the novelty- it has 3 OS's on it out of the box: Linux, Android, and Windows CE

Phecda P7 don't know the price because I can't find a retailer, just the manufacturer

Any questions, go to Slatedroid .com

Sexism in Science

I would like to preface my post by stating that I don't demonize the male gender for sexism at its roots or in its extant form. In fact, sociologically, i believe that the traditional gender roles evolved in general without malice. The residue of sexism I also believe is in general without malice. With the exception of a previous venting of frustration on this website a few months ago, I really don't think men mean to be sexist.  I just don't think that men and women are, in general, treated the same, and more specifically and pertinent to me, in science. I don't even think that all of these differences result in disadvantage. I still strive to lessen these differences. I actually have to remind myself to be on the look out for sexism and to resist it because my default position was long that it no longer existed. It was only when it was pointed out to me that I began to recognize it. I stumbled on a C-Span book talk by a woman named Julie Des Jardines about sexism in the sciences, and I found it affirming. I have found myself talking with my labmates about sexism alot lately, being the only girl. Not surprisingly I don't find a lot of (any) support. The argument goes that the particular instances of sexism that I feel I experience are attributed rather to my personality (loud, aggresive, bubbly, boisterous, you've met me, I don't need to go on). When I try to point out sexism, I want to be clear, again that it is not an accusation. I just want to put a lens on it, to draw attention, and to make people aware of their own behaviors and answer the question of their motives themselves. Returning to the question of the cause of my possible experience of sexism, personality or gender, I must submit that I don't know the answer either. I do know there are some really quirky people in my field and my department and many of these quirks are NOT edifying or even pleasant to those of us that have to deal with them, and I wonder if the same expectation is placed on them to change. Again, I don't know the answer to this question, I just want people to think about it and answer for themselves.

Rikki Lake

This Phillipa whats-her-name story has got me to thinking. I've thought about much of this before, and now I think I would like to soliliquize it with you (I think soliloquy means having an imaginary conversation in front of the audience in order to explain stuff, its a theatrical device). Some Hamilton woman has become the frontperson, the spokesman for the industry in this scandal, and she has acknowledged the rotten conditions that exist in fashion and other visual media in the US that created this situation. What she has little done, is use any pronouns of ownership. Everything was explained in the passive voice: this happened, that happened; no 'we did this', 'so and so made this decision'. She has been chided severely for this. In some ways, though, I happen to agree with her, or understand her lack of blame. Its hard to tell the real reason for this obsession with female frailty. It is unfortunately not limited to just these media, every woman I know has a horrible body image. I know two young ladies who weigh 100 lbs or less and still think they are terribly unattractive. I know other average sized women (myself included) who look in the mirror and see obesity. I know some big beautiful women (I hate that expression too, but they are!) who hate themselves as well. It runs the entire range, so it can't actually be based on appearance. It is often not just a passing dissatisfaction, either. I know when I am a few pounds heavier than I'd like (which happens every few years or so, in cycles) I am preoccupied with it, obsessed even. I can think of several months last year when I can honestly say I thought about it all the time. Every one that looked at me, I just knew they were looking at my fat stomach. So what I'm getting at is, the situation is terrible, dire even.

So what, then, shall we say is the cause?

The first answer is usually men. Its easy and obvious and a tempting conclusion to jump to. As in so many other cases, though, I think men are being blamed needlessly (don't worry, I still think some things are their fault). As a rule, I believe that men are far less picky about our bodies than we think. It's not that they don't have standards, or are simply pigs who'll take it wherever they can get it, far from it. I think that men think a far broader range of sizes and shapes are beautiful, and that variety is the spice of life. In fact, most of the men I know prefer that women have more meat on their bones rather than less. I mean, who really wants to have sex with a tree? Cushion for the pushing indeed. I do know a few men who enjoy their women when they look like strippers, porn stars, and retail sales girls, but they tend to be superficial in general and aren't men I care to have looking at me anyway.

I think it is closer to the truth that the pressure to look a certain way that this American Life considers ideal comes much more from other women. Go into any room and try and find one man who could tell you what this season's Dooney and Bourke looks like, I challenge you. Yet I, who would never aspire to own one, and in fact think most of them are ugly (the new Coaches too, but that's not important) could still pick one out at 50 paces and probably even identify a knock-off. I think for the most part, we dress for each other. But I don't think that is root of the problem either.

Now, I don't mean to deny or ignore the obesity problem. It is an epidemic and could be so easily remedied. I also don't completely blame the evolution of body ideals. I know that it is often cited that Marylin Monroe was a size 10, and that much bigger ideals were prized in earlier times, this century even. Women were also trained to sit behind a desk, or at home, or other sedentary places. A more athletic build represents to me a more active and independent woman and I think it is a step forward. However, most of the women to which I am referring are not in these categories and generally don't have these  sorts of exercise, over eating or diet/nutritional problems.

I know where my problem came from. I remember always thinking as a young girl that I was just a little bit fat. I remember this feeling was always reinforced by my mothers (yes I have two, no they're not lesbians). They never let a chance pass to inform me when they thought I didn't look ideal. It ranged from remarks about how much smaller my stomach was when I was on swim team, to dragging me to jazzercise, to less overt things like encouraging me whenever I mentioned my new diet techniques. Now, I never developed a true eating disorder, but many of my friends did. I remember a classmate who had a perfectly lovely, tiny teenage figure who would measure her waste every morning. To this day I still lift my shirt, turn to the side, and suck in my stomach almost every time I'm alone in front of a mirror. Entire generations of women, as young even as me and younger, who's mothers were ERA, bra burning feminists, have still managed to instill in us a need to always strive for thin and perfect. Not only was this behavior reinforced by my (and I'm sure their's) mothers, I never once remember them telling me I was beautiful. That I had a beautiful body. That I was special, or lovely, or unique, or any of the things that I make sure to tell all the young ladies in my life. Starting at a very young age I tell them how beautiful they are, and not to let anyone tell them any different. And they are! Now, I know I am biased, but statistically it would be unlikely that all the young ladies I know are as beautiful as I think they are. Unless we adopt a new vision of beauty. I know its cheezy, but I really love that song by Christina Aguilera "beautiful" because it sums up my opinion about beauty. Not just that we should pretend that everyone is beautiful just to be nice, but that everyone IS beautiful and if we believe it, it will become real for us and we will see it (all my neices do look like they fell off a cloud, though. I'm not gonna lie to ya).

Identifying the source of the problem still doesn't say how we are going to solve it. There are more plus sized models, more bbw advocates, and more legal policies to support a womans right to be big. But the regular models just keep getting thinner, almost like a pendulum effect. I know i can vote with my dollar on this one, but I absolutely don't know how. Should I boycott Ralph Lauren? Done, I haven't bought Ralph Lauren in years. Abercrombie and Fitch, Calvin Klein, Bebe, BCBG, the GAP? All done. The last pair of jeans I bought came from Fred Meyer, and Walmart before that. I was thinking I would have a good parting thought, a solution, an opinion (they are like assholes afterall), but I really am at a loss. How do we change this?

Amber is the color of her energy (puke)

So lots of girls have songs with their name in it:

Rosanna, Amy, Sara, Angie, you get the idea.

For a while I thought the only song with my name in it was that lame 311 song i used in the title of this blog.

So i decided to look into it further and the results were a bit sad. I found a few more songs. Theres this really disturbing one by a band i never heard of: The Quinns

well she has all day
but she takes all night
and she has her way
when we have fights
she won't stop
even if the tears are streaming down
and when she's angry enough
well she'll call the whole g*ddamn town

so i said amber calls me
calls me on the telephone
and she spends all night
tellin' me how she's alone

so she calls me up
(hey when'd she call you man?)
oh, it was about half-passed nine
(was it really that late? what happened?)
so i asked her out
(hey man what'd she say? what'd she say?)
oh-but I got denied!
(oh shit!)
yeah she'll call back and tell me
tell me all about her day
it's like she's sleep-talkin'
cause i can't understand a single word she say

so i said amber calls me
calls me on the telephone
and she spends all night
tellin' me how she's alone

i tell you she's a beast
no she won't let me sleep
the ideas come out
no secrets she will keep
she goes on and on about the dumbest things i've ever heard
and once again it's like she's sleep-talkin'
cause i can't understand a single word
sleepless morning, can't stop yawning
can't she please let me rest

so we make our way to the beach
bottles of rum sitting in the back seat
to there's a spot that we was last week
no time for talking so baby don't speak
and she gets wet when we find the water
when we boat with you we find your daughter
there's rum right 'round your head
while we bangin' doggy 'gainst the bed

she won't stop
even if the tears are streaming down
and when she's angry enough
well she'll call the whole g*ddamn town

so i said amber calls me
calls me on the telephone
and she spends all night
tellin' me how she's alone

(alright) i said amber calls me
calls me on the telephone
and she spends all night
tellin' me how she's alone

(I said)

amber calls me
amber calls me
amber calls me
amber calls me
amber calls me
amber calls me
amber calls me

So there's that. Its really not a very nice song.

I had high hopes for this one by Metallica:

Get in bed with your own kind
Live your life so you don't see mine
Drape your back so you won't shine

Ooh then she holds my hand
And I lie to get a smile

Using what I want
To get what you want

Ooh sweet amber
How sweet are you?
How sweet does it get?

Chase the rabbit, fetch the stick
She rolls me over 'till I'm sick
She deals in habits, deals in pain
I run away, but I'm back again

Ooh then she holds my hand
And I lie to get a smile
And she squeezes tighter
I still lie to get a smile

She holds the pen that spells the end
She traces me and draws me in

I think this one is about drugs.

So there you have it. The only love song with my name in it is a lame one by 311:

BRAINSTORM
Take me away from the norm
I've got to tell you something..
This phenomenon
I had to put it in a song,
and it goes like:

Whoa
Amber is the color of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold displayed naturally

You ought to know what brings me here
You glide through my head blind to fear,
and I know why-

Whoa
Amber is the color of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold displayed naturally

Whoa
Amber is the color of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold displayed naturally

You live too far away
Your voice rings like a bell anyway
Don't give up your independence
unless it feels so right
Nothing good comes easily;
Sometimes you've got to fight

Whoa
Amber is the color of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold displayed naturally

Launched a thousand ships in my heart, so easy
Still, it's fine from afar, and you know that

Whoa
Brainstorm
Take me away from the norm
Whoa
I've got to tell you something

So if you like me write a song about me

heaven and hell

As much as i believe in God and all that, I've always had a problem with the idea of Hell. I wrote a long time ago about the death penalty, and I have a similar feeling. In that case, i agree with the death penalty in theory, but on an individual basis I still have a hard time wishing it on anybody. As I said I feel the same way about hell. I agree with the idea of hell in theory: there are people out that there that live completely unredeeming lives. They spend their time here on the earthly plane bringing pain, suffering, and misery to innocent people who just wish to go about their lives in peace. 

I think its the hindis or the buddhists who believe that reincarnation is merely a function of self improvement. It exists as a chance to extend the purification of the soul when such endeavors cant be completed during a single lifetime. I like that idea, that you cant escape destiny and the cycle of life and death. 

I also like to think that such a cycle is for everyone, not just a chosen few. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. 

There are whispers around the dogmatic 'water cooler' that a gospel exists that was left out that suggests that hell isn't totally really real. The rumor is that if everyone who's not in hell asks, hell will be emptied and everyone let out. I don't exactly believe in that either, but it opened the door to a progressive idea of hell. For some, the process of self improvement, purification of the soul, involves some imposed, confined, dedicated thinking time. Also known as prison. This theory isn't perfect, as prison is also not perfect. If the universe included an idea of prison in its plan, why is it such a foul place? why does it seem that it concentrates criminals rather than rehabilitating them? I don't know. But prison does help some people, arguably in a way that nothing else could. 

But what about the people who some how manage to escape prison? Their whole lives, they evade capture and, it seems, die by the sword rather than pay for their crimes. 

Maybe thats what hell is, a sort of afterlife prison. I find that notion satisfying for several reasons. First, it means that there is redemption for all, not just some, that we all are subject to the same rules and restrictions, no matter what, but that we also have the same opportunities. No one can escape the universe. Second, it means that hell is not permanent. I'm not sure which scares me more: the idea that heaven is forever or that hell is. 

So on to heaven. When I was young I used to get scared in my room a night, thinking the dull roar of the city i heard through my window was an earthquake on its way to annihilate existence. I even had a fantasy that an airplane could escape the destruction. I know there were other things that scared me, but what REALLY scared me was heaven. I was sent to Christian day care until 5th or 6th grade and went to sunday services till about that time as well. I grew up believing without question the doctrine as written by the baptists, including the notion of everlasting life in the presence of our lord in eternal perfection. Frankly I'll pass. I do not want to live forever in any form and I can't understand why all the rest of these zealots work so hard trying to earn it. I so strongly do not want to live forever that if i ever wanted to freak myself out all i had to do was imagine living forever and never dying. 

So when I finally started to rethink the doctrine and develop my own personal dogma, one of the first things i got rid of is that notion of forever. I wanna die someday. Not just leaving my earthly coil, I want the light that is my soul to someday flicker out and be no more. Seriously.

Now just what is this heaven place? I have no problem imagining that it is perfect and endless and without flaw, that sounds fun and all. But that sounds like the universe to me. All of Gods (or whoever) wonders are supposed to exist in this, boundless, universe, so why bother creating another place that fits the same description just to stick our souls in it? Besides, I won't be done exploring this one when I die, not by a long shot. I wanna know what the ef is out there, I have a lot of questions I want answered. So I thought that would be a much better heaven, for me anyway. Just let my soul have free reign of this universe, flying around at multiple warp speeds checking out what there is to see. Not quite in the way of ghostiness, that seems too tied to corporeal time and place. Then, after a couple millenia of that, once I know if and where the aliens are, what happens in a black hole, and who killed kennedy (and who was behind 9/11) for that matter, then I'll voluntary lay down for the big sleep. 

So there you have it: Hell is an afterlife prison, and Heaven is just flying around the universe and exploring till you get tired.

i am whatever you say i am

I'm really tired of people having opinions about who I am lately. For a while I thought it was because I'm a woman, and I still think thats part of it. I've discovered that the general male attitude deems that we are not allowed to exceed them in any way, at all, whatsoever, at any time. But if we do, then they expect you to apologize for it constantly. In general I find myself apologizing for who I am alot. That would be okay except I'm not really sorry. People like to point out to me alot that I'm loud, bossy, opinionated, whatever, you know the drill. You all know me so its not like its new information. But whenever people, including people I consider my friends, point these things out, they always refer to them as bad things. They further act like they're doing me some favor by being my friend in spite of them. To the point that I feel like I have to apologize. Just once I would like someone to mention some of these things to me and make me feel like its a good thing. I know in theory that my independence and brain are an asset, that my loud voice and extroversion make me a good leader, and that I can be very charming and charismatic. But no body ever actually treats them that way. This is who I am. I like who I am. So why am I so miserable? Oh, I know why, because I'm fat. Honestly I have lost all semblance of a realistic self image, to the point that I don't know what I look like anymore. I think about it all the time. I was at a barbeque today with my physics club buddies and all I could think about all day was how fat I was and how they all noticed it. In between those thoughts I spent some time on 'ha ha, Amber's so loud, ha ha, Amber's a kook, look at her' because those were some of the supposedly good natured jokes that were going around. The shitty part about my obsession with my weight is I don't even know if its true. I have completely lost touch with reality on that one. Most of the time I'm pretty sure I'm huge and gross and fat, but if thats true, I don't deserve it. I eat really healthy, in my opinion. Even my junk food is either natural or burgerville. My only sin is a little pepsi. Not like those 44 oz ers or anything, just a can or small bottle here and there. The reason I bring my self image up is that sometimes when I'm thinking about how fat I am I convince myself that its a pennance I am paying for all the other blessings in my life. Like I'm smart and successful and motivated and sure of my self and all the other things so it wouldn't be fair for me to have a healthy self image on top of that.