psychy 101

I haven't blogged in a while, but I haven't had anything to blog about. here goes: I have a deep dark secret that in this 'dog town' may seem a little blasphemous: I don't care about animals. I've always felt guilty about that fact, and never understood it. I'm not saying I hate them, and it's not even that I strictly tolerate them. I've lived with a few, had some cats growing up, and done my share of dog sitting, and I really don't mind them. I just have never been able to connect with them in the way some people seem to. I wonder if it's even possible for me to do so. As I said I've always felt guilty about this fact. I like kids, and I like baby animals. I'm environmentally conscious, a pacifist, and generally believe in caring and good will towards all creatures. So I should adore animals. I have some reservations about dog ownership if you don't have a lot of open space for them to run, and they are A LOT of work. I also think bird ownership is re-god-damn-diculous. I mean, what is it about birds that we find so fascinating and admire? They're magnificent ability to soar. So what do we do with them? We put them in a cage so small they can barely walk, let alone fly. Most other caged animals that we keep; lizards, hamsters, etc, are ridiculous by similar logic. But I digress... I was killing time so I decided to google the question "Why don't I like animals". I only found one site that attempted to answer the question. The grammar was strange, leading me to believe it was poorly translated english, which didn't lend too much credence, also it had one of those 'cosmo-magazine-quiz' rundowns of who likes and dislikes different kinds of pets along with a quick psych profile of each. At the end, though, it discussed the apathy towards all animals. First off it said that animal apathy didn't make one a bad person. Phew. Then it gave 5 or 6 reasons why one may feel that way. The last one made sense, and I think I have solved, or at least deduced it's source in myself. To paraphrase, it said that one might find pets 'a poor substitute for human contact and connection'. I'm not saying that I intellectually agree with the idea, but I think that subconsciously that is how I feel. Of course, this opens up a whole other can of worms, and now I have another 'why' to solve, but it makes for something interesting to chew on.

you don’t know from busy

You wanna know about f'in busy? I'm so busy I fell guilty taking the time to write this blog. I just finished my third week of school and things are going fairly well. I am not out of money yet and my bills are paid till the end of november. That's pretty cool, eh? I bought some new glasses and some other stuff, not too much to show for my financial aid this round but that's okay, I had alot of old debts to pay off. School isn't really that hard, just tons of work. I am still a research assistant, which currently entails finding and copying articles for my professor, and also some IT work(as usual). I also got elected secretary of the society for physics students, which is additional work. I really need to get ahead of my homework, though. Yesterday I woke up at 10 and went directly to school, then I did homework till 10:15 at night, went to bed at 10:30. I don't mind doing it because I have decided that Saturday evening I stop, no matter what, and start again Monday morning. I have to be in the lab on Saturdays this quarter so I can't go out on Fridays anymore, but that'll just save me money and liver. I still cut loose Saturday night, and one night is really all anyone needs. I will have to do some work on Sundays as I have to study for the first comprehensive exam on Nov. 30th. All graduate students at PSU have to pass with 50% one of two exams covering thermodynamics, mechanics, experimental physics, quantum mechanics and modern physics. I have until winter of 2010 to pass. It is strictly from memory, no notes or anything! I think I can do it but its gonna take some hard work. I'm currently taking 'current electricity', 'electricity and magnetism', and 'experimental physics' which is essentially a circuit building class. So after this quarter I will be the world's leading expert on electricity. Not really, but I'll know alot about it. I have three chapters to read by tomorrow night, and also some journal articles. Also, two books on crystallography that I have to fit in somewhere. I think the hardest thing is not actually doing the work, but budgeting my time. I will never again take vacations for granted. Bye.

privacy

someone violated my privacy a little while ago, someone I trusted and thought cared about me. Someone I cared about alot. I was never anything but nice to him, and he had no reason to do this to me, other than he likes to take advantage of women. Honestly, I'm really not that private a person. My life is an open book and I don't mind sharing the details of it. I think that the only things we have to be ashamed of are the things we can't share with friends. That said, I want to explain that It's not the privacy that I am upset about. I'm not embarassed or anything. I was doing nothing wrong. It's the violation that gets me. THE MOTHERFUCKER VIDEOTAPED ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION AND IS SHOWING IT TO PEOPLE. So if you get a chance to see it, go ahead. I ain't mad at ya. I'd rather get it over with and have everybody get a good look rather than have the whispers behind my back thinking I don't know what's going on.
I've had offers of revenge, people close to me who are willing to do nasty things in my name. I have so far declined. (I'm thinking I may yet get an opportunity, but if I do it'll be something benign like laxative or the like)

THERE IS NOTHING I OR ANYONE ELSE CAN DO TO MAKE THE MOTHERFUCKER'S LIFE ANY WORSE.


the end.

an old work

This is something I wrote for my applications to New York and I thought it was good so I'm sharing it. I know from experience that skills and aptitude do not necessarily equate to achievement. I found this to be true in my own education as well as what I have observed working with young people. What is the problem? What barriers prevent seemingly competent children from reaching their potential? I would wager that many children suffer from the same difficulty, one I suffered from as well. When I was in high school I was an underachiever. I didn't perform nearly as well as my assessment test scores predicted, and I barely graduated. I remember feeling empty. When I returned to school as an adult I found what I was missing. A special teacher, who I imitate often, showed me the enormous value of my own unique skills. I found purpose, patience, and persistence, and the grades to prove it. This is not so simple as it sounds, however. As educators we believe in the infinite capacity of all children to learn. We try to impress on our students that we know they are capable of the highest of heights, and do our best to give an excess of positive feedback. But encouragement is not enough. Many children need more than just encouragement. They are smarter even than we imagine. A pat on the back and a "You can do it!" may not be sufficient. They need a reason why. They need to understand in this great big world, how they could be of any importance. Why would the universe, in its infinite wisdom, need anything from them? What could they, 1 of billions, possibly have to offer? It is that question that the quote from Martha Graham answers. "There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique" Why does the world need just one person? Because, though there are many, you are special, you are different, you are unique. No one else has your voice, speaking from your experiences. If you do not contribute to humanity the gift of your own expression, who else will say what you could have? For this reason the self exploration offered by the arts is vital to cultivating this sense of importance in our children. Through creative outlets, it teaches them to find their own unique voice. Further, it teaches them to mold, shape, and perfect it so they may make it heard. I believe the arts are a path to help our children find the meaning they need to reach their full potential.

I finally did it

I down graded my laptop from vista to xp. For one thing I wanted to delete the recovery partition, cause, let's be frank; I don't need it. Plus I was just tired of how much drive space everything took up, my drive was full with only 20 or 30 gigs of music. XP just takes up less of everything. Also, I'm gonna try and get a new laptop on Happy Financial Aid Day so I think I'll give this one to my sister, and there's no way she could navigate Vista. I have to admit I miss the look of Vista, if nothing else. It's much slicker. I've only been reinstalled for a few hours and I'm already sick of looking at xp. I'll fix that, though. BTW I'm pouring out some liquor for my homies locked up in jail. It is 12:40 and I have fixed the ugliness. There is a theme that was intended for xp media center but pretty much gives the sleek feel of vista. It's called Royale and you can get it HERE It installs just like a program, then just right click on the desktop and click properties. It will be there with the themes. I highly recommend it, it relieves the duldroms of xp

love stinks

you love her
she loves him
he loves somebody else
you just cant win

computers and mad men

i could bitch. I am feeling discontent, and I could talk all about it. I could whine about my boy problems. I won't, but I will say that I am tired of having a melodramatic love life. Truth is, I think it's just the Sunday blues. I've written about it before, and if you are a faithful reader you remember. Most things are good. I love my new apartment, Dan is a great roommate, and we are getting on well. I got some computers to work on, which makes me happy. One of them was a huge pain, actually. It was a dell laptop with a bios password that prevented even the most basic access to the machine. I couldn't even boot off the cd drive, which would have allowed me to use my super secret hack tools to crack the password. Apparently, this particular breed of password protection is especially difficult. I beat it though, of course. I only had to take it apart and short out the bios chip with a bobby pin! So I get past that and guess what? HARD DRIVE PASSWORD!!!! So far all my sources online say those are IMPOSSIBLE to crack, but still have a few tricks up my sleeve. Let's just say I know people. It wouldn't be a big deal except that a new laptop hard drive is $40 or more, and I don't think the owner of this machine will spring for it. So pretty much all I did today was sit around and work on 3 laptops. While you all were out enjoying the sun I was inside like a true geek. I didn't even shower and I have been sweating booze all day (ewww). Oh, did I mention that the building outside my window is getting the roof painted, so there were laborers with a leaf blower at 9 am? Domingo!! Domingo!! (Sunday).   Mad Men was fantastic tonight. Salvatore is married now, and I can't believe it. Jimmy Barret called Don out for screwing his wife. Some little rookie secretary is trying to battle Joan, and she has no idea who she's screwing with. I have to relay a story I insisted on telling Dan tonight, even though he promised me it would be meaningless since this was his first time watching the show, but whatever. So Joan is the vampy head of the secretarial pool, and at first I didn't really like her. The name of the agency is Sterling-Cooper, and she was sleeping with the married Roger Sterling. She has professed that she has no aspirations toward any higher career and is looking for a husband. She is the epitome of the 60's party girl/siren. As many of you have heard me say, I don't really respect women that don't think they can make it on their brains.  So anyway, somebody had this brainstorm for a playtex bra campaign that all women are either a Jackie or a Marilyn (I wonder which one I am). To prove his point, he opens the office door and points to the women in the office: Jackie, Jackie, Marilyn, you get the idea. But when he gets to Joan (the siren) he says, "Well Marilyn's a Joan, not the other way around" or something to that effect. There was such awe and reverence in his voice. It was a strange kind of respect that I wouldn't think would get to me. Anyway.I always thought the only thing I ever wanted to be respected for was my brain and my character. I just never imagined that kind. My summer is almost over and the real grind begins. Its either gonna be way better (I'm in grad school now, don't forget) or the end of life as we know it. I have my first institutional exam that I have to pass, its general physics so I should be alright. I built a laptop for my professor's son, and I'm about to build a mac for one of the Commish's homies at the skatepark nonprofit. I'm looking forward to that. I haven't dealt with mac's much so this is will be a good introduction. There is a mac build program at my church (free geek) and the PC build program is where I learned alot of what I already know. I am so f'ing impressed with myself for cracking that bios password. I am the queen of all electronics. TTFN.