i'm losin it.

But it's only temporary. It happens to me once every quarter, usually. Actually it happens to everyone once a quarter, but everyone gets it at different times. Usually for me it's right in the middle of the quarter. Nothing seems to be going right, the pressure starts overwhelming me, I feel not smart enough and then...Crack. I break under the pressure. Tonight in my living room I'm listening to "the Flame" by Cheap Trick, and I just start bawling. At least when I used to crack as an undergrad I was in the math department, and I was an undergrad. I felt like I belonged over there. I have managed to find my niche here in the physics department but it definitely wasn't easy. Physicists are elitists, I mean, after all, we're usually smarter than everyone in the room. That goes to your head after a while. Now I've got the added pressure of being a grad student at a semi-inferior university, not knowing exactly where I want my career to go, all the while thinking I'm a fucking fraud, like I'm not smart enough or dedicated enough or any of the other things you need to be to hack it as a professional scientist. Not just that, but a professional PHYSICIST. You may have seen my myspace quote, but I'll tell you a little more about it: this man, Ernest Rutherford, was a physicist, but somehow, some way, he managed to win the nobel prize in CHEMISTRY. Well needless to say he was not happy about it, and apparently responded with the quote "In science there is only physics. All the rest is stamp collecting". What the fuck have I gotten myself into. Oh, and on top of everything, today one of my advisors let me know that if I wanted to get things done I need to be less loud, less aggressive. Hey by the way, could you please be a little less YOU. I would like to point out that he is from an eastern block country. Also, as another female scientist pointed out to me, he would never say that to me if I were a man.

Time to go put humpty dumpty back together again.

Our Cocksucking Mayor

I wrote this letter to the editor of WW. Here it is complete with his response.


This Celebrity obsessed culture has bred in Americans a sense of entitlement and ownership that is far misplaced. Our very accomplished current mayor is the perfect example of this. We give lip service to the concept of a private life, but when it comes to actually having one, we pay it little mind. This latest scandal has a very convincing veneer of validity, after all, it is apparent that Mr. Adams didn't tell the truth when questioned about whom he has sex with. So, what, he is entitled to a private life until we want to know about it? And then he owes us some sort of explanation? No amount of salacious desire for the truth, or even a righteous one, means that we are entitled to it. Not when it comes to his personal, private life. The way I see it, two things are at issue here: whether he had sex with an underage boy, and whether he lied about it. If the former were true, we would have every right to know, but that is absolutely where our privilege ends. Barring that, it doesn't matter whether he conspired with the entire staff of the City Hall, CBS, NBC, ABC and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to keep it quiet because IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS IN THE FIRST PLACE. And though it may be hard to accept 18 is adult, pure and simple. The minute we start allowing it to be a gray border rather than a fine line, we open up a what's her name's box. The young man's subsequent choice in partner, aged in his late 30's, shows that he enjoys this demographic. What if the young man lied for him? As long as he felt comfortable doing so, and was not threatened or coerced, that is also the young man's right. Now, I seriously doubt Mayor Adams had sex with him as a minor. He's not an idiot. So he didn't tell us the truth? He doesn't have to.
--
Amber,

Nice piece. But way too long for the paper. Have you posted it on our web site?

regards,
Mark

why I am up at 7 am on a saturday morning

First of all let me thank god that it is not because I have been up all night. I actually went to bed at 11 and I was sofa king tired. You see, what had happened was... Over break I got into this f'ed up sleeping schedule where I went to bed at 5 am or later. It sucked, but every night I tried to change it something came up. I wasn't even drinking that much, maybe 3 times a week, but it didn't help. It was no big deal over break, but thats all over. Now its serious time, with school and research and all-more on that later. Finally I just bought some sleeping pills and went to bed early on monday. When I get on the early sleep schedule I get tired early. Really early. And it's not just tired, it's like cant walk anymore exhaustion, usually by ten o'clock. The upside is I get up early and get more done. I also can't control what time I wake up, and once I'm up, I'm up. Wednesday I got up at 5:30. I got so much done that day though. Vacuumed out my car, diagnosed my aunt's computer problem, dropped off another computer, and lots of other things I can't remember. Thursday night I didn't go to bed till 4 am, but for good reason; I was getting tattoed (profile picture). On that side note, all I got was the outline done. It took 3 hours. We didn't get started till 11 so Patrick was tired and we quit at 1:30. I'll go back for the color in 2 or 3 weeks. So Friday morning, despite going to sleep hella late, I woke up at 8:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I had shit to do all day and couldn't get a nap in. Then I had girl's night with some friends from the physics department. We went to my work: Red Star Tavern. We had an appetizer of mussels (I always get the mussels at my work), and for dinner I had duck with turnip puree and soured cabbage in a cranberry sauce. Yumm! didn't eat much of the duck cause I was already full, but it made for a yummy breakfast this morning, still with leftovers. I also had 2 mac and jacks african amber beers, which is my favorite in the whole wide world!!! Unfortunately I was too tired to carry on the rest of the evening that the ladies had planned. We started dinner at 8 and by 10 I was ready to drop. Which leads us to the point of my story. I got home at 10 and sat on the couch for a half hour or so and then my head hit the pillow like a ton of bricks. So now I am awake at 7:30 on a Saturday morning. It's sad really. I have more shit to get done today, which is why I'm not trying to go back to sleep, and this story probably ends with me being to tired to go out again tonight and falling asleep at 10. On the side note I promised earlier, things are progressing nicely at school. I was picked by the American Physical Society to attend a conference for grad students on alternative energy sources. There is $500 in travel assistance, and my department is matching the $500. Its in Pittsburgh, which is not that exciting, but travel is travel. So that will be fun. I'm also a member of a team entering a contest for ROV's (remotely operated vehicles). We will design a sub that will perform a number of tasks, and we'll hopefully get to travel to the contest and compete. I will also have a poster at a conference coming up in February. Stay tuned for more pictures of the tattoo. I love it!

Bill Shakespeare

Sigh no more,
ladies, sigh nor more;
Men were deceivers ever;
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never;
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny;
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into. Hey nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties,
sing no mo,
Or dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leavy.
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into. Hey, nonny, nonny.

from "Much ado about nothing"

santa stuck in a chimney

This is my Gremlins story, or "Why I hate Christmas".

I don't really hate it, I'm just bummed on it this year. First of all, something bad is happening to someone really close to me, but I can't speak about it because its not my business to tell. Just trust me that it's bad and it hurts me a lot. Second, my whole family hates each other. My brother isn't speaking to any of us, my stepmom and my sister hate each other, and my mom hates everyone. It doesn't make for a very family holiday. I was talking to a friend, who also dislikes this holiday, and I explained to him that it doesn't suck that much for him to dislike Christmas, because he doesn't care. I really want to enjoy this holiday. I wish I had a big happy family that loved each other, with lots of aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins and spouses and babies running around. I wish there was a turkey and stuffing and ham and mashed potatoes and presents. No presents for me this year. Except from my sister and Lynne. Who loves ya baby?

check me out

You're&nbsp; either gonna think I am the dopest shit around for this, or it's sheer nerd-dom will amaze you.<img src="http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r134/aclauer/mario.jpg"><br>No big deal, you may be saying to yourself, just a little mario bros. Nostalgic, maybe, but nerdy, never. Well, if you'll look closely at the top of the screen you'll see the standard windows menu bar. Thats right, I'm playing mario on my computer. I got what is called an emulator, which contains the entire Nintendo Entertainment System in a standalone executable of about 745Kb. That's less than a song. After that it only takes a bit of hunting to get what are called 'roms', essentially the information contained in a game cartridge. Those files are about 40-50 Kb. Amazingly small by today's standards. But wait, there's more. Maybe I should explain why I'm doing this. I have a computer in my bedroom with a lovely flat screen monitor on which I sometimes watch downloaded movies. Ultimately my goal is to make this machine a media center. I have a TV tuner that I shall be installing as soon as I can talk Dan into letting me split the cable line and wire it into my room. I also have a dvr (actually in the same machine as the tuner). I installed XBMC, also known as Xbox media center. That's a media center originally designed for modded xboxes to hold media files and such and manage and play them from a single interface. As is usual with software people have upgraded it and tweaked it until it is now available on all formats including linux and mac. People have written plugins for it that will also manage your emulators, should you so desire. I do. <br><img src="http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r134/aclauer/marioland.jpg"><br>I also downloaded a Super Nintendo emulator, as you can see from the Super Mario Land screenshot above. I will get to Nintendo 64 soon, as well as sega genesis (strictly for Sonic the Hedgehog), and I have also got an original atari emulator, but I haven't downloaded any games for that yet. In case you are interested in doing this yourself, know that the game roms are actually copyright protected and can be hard to find. But not that hard. Oh, and one more thing. I bought this:<br><img src="http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r134/aclauer/snes_usb_controller.jpg"><br><br>Looks like a regular Super nintendo controller, right? Look closely. That's a usb connector on the end. <br><br>Commence Worshiping Me.<br>

my vacation

I am about finished with my cleaning, I will vacuum and some other stuff. Feels good! I also gave myself a mani- pedi. I have been staying up till four or five watching tv, an on demand movie here or there. I plan on installing XBMC on my tv machine, it's a media center originally designed for the xbox that has expanded and now is the next big thing. I'll also organize my room a bit and buy some pictures for the walls to make it more homey. I have a tendency to ignore my bedroom. I have to make a conscious effort to pay attention to my room or it'll be a bit boring and bland. All in all I'm enjoying having no obligations. I will also read a book here and there, hopefully. I'm not sure what, but they will be completely unrelated to any of the subjects I study in school, I'll tell you that. I also may play some video games on my roommate's PS2. I think tomorrow night I'll get drunk. I love, love, LOVE having all this free time. Today I cooked butternut squash soup. It was a bit hairy at first, didn't turn out like it usually does. I added too much water, so it was awfully thin and sort of bland. Usually when I make it, it's thick and sweet and full of flavor, so I was a bit worried. I managed to rescue it, though, I just added about a half cup of brown sugar and some roux and it turned out fine. Tasty, especially with the sour cream topping! I also made marinara, one of my specialties. Tomorrow I will finish the marmalade I started today. You have to soak it overnight and cook it the next day. The marmalade is a real experiment for me, never made anything like it before and don't know how it will turn out. Three whole weeks of this aimless and drifting existence, and I am thrilled. Let me know if you have any requests.