Well I guess it would be nice

I had to write journals for my capstone. I have never been a diary kind of girl, but this journaling actually helped a bit. So I'm going to try blogging as a sort of journal and we'll see how it goes. I am a pessimist. I think everything bad is going to happen before it actually does. The proverbial other shoe, if you will. It's gotten so bad that I stopped believing in anything for a while. I guess you could say I was a bit depressed, but I don't actually believe in depression, so we'll call it anxiety or worry or melancholy, cause it was a bit of all three. Some of you know that I've been involved with this boy for a bit now, and we're not together, but we do talk regularly. I really liked him, and I just seemed to see the whole thing run into the ground before my very eyes, and the worst part is I couldn't seem to do anything to stop it. Now some of my friends think that he's a jerk and they blame him for what went wrong, and that's probably half true, but there's a part of the story that they just don't know. I had so little faith in him from the very beginning that it's no wonder things happened the way they did. This blog is not going to be entirely about my boy problems, but that is a big part of what has been going wrong lately, so bare with me. Yah, I had very little faith in him. The second week we were seeing each other I actually accused him of getting a blowjob in the bathroom at the Sandy hut while I was there with him. Granted I was drunk and I was quite mortified about it the next day, but it was fucking ridiculous just the same. I was always worried something bad was going to happen, and I do mean always. After I worried it into the ground and only saw the worst in every situation, I started to realize my cynicism was not limited to him. I had pretty much lost faith in everything and everyone, including myself and the universe. Now that's fine if that's your bag, but it's not mine. That is absolutely not what I think. I think people are good and love is real and some things do have a happy ending. I had been agonizing for a while in my mind as to the source of my troubles, I truly did not know what was wrong with me. I tried different external solutions till I happened upon a theory. It actually came from that movie Constantine (which rules), where Keanu was talking to Gabriel about why he was going to hell. He insists that he believes and she tells him that he doesn't believe, he knows, and there's a difference. After paying attention to my thought process for a while I realized that this was exactly my problem. My actions and thought processes were completely negative and I was singularly concerned with avoiding any possible wrongs that could be done to me by anyone I came in contact with. Call it existential hypochondria. My point is I'm trying this new thing where I believe what I know and have faith in the future. It's been a slow start, but I am already seeing results. For one, my anxiety is a lot less. See, a couple dudes I dated a long time ago fucked me up pretty bad, and now I just feel like I am completely disfunctional. My friend suggested I talk to someone, like a therapist, and honestly I am more open to that than I have ever been in the past. Only there's a hitch. As many of you also know, I believe pretty strongly that I am psychic. Moreover, it is a very big part of my life. So there is no way that I could discuss what is going on in my life without mentioning that, and I am afraid a shrink wouldn't be open to that sort of thing. In that arena if any of you have any suggestions I'd appreciate it. If I had to guess, though, I suspect I'll probably get through it all right on my own. The problem with funks, if you ask me, is not just the funk itself, but that you forget you ever felt different. Truth be told, remembering who I was when I didn't feel like this was actually almost as theraputic as anything. Actually, you all would be amazed to know the depths of the neuroses that are Amber. It boggles. and Thats all i have to say about that.